


Incorrect Penguin Quotes

by scaryfangirl2001



Series: Correctly Stated Incorrections [3]
Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - 10 Things I Hate About You (1999) Fusion, Alternate Universe - Full House (TV) Fusion, Alternate Universe - P.U.N.K.S. (TV Fusion), Alternate Universe - Riverdale (TV) Fusion, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Alternate Universe - The Wackness (TV Fusion), Alternate Universe - iCarly (TV) Fusion, Ed has an Australian accent, F/F, F/M, Gen, Kristen is Ed's sister, M/M, ed edd n eddy - Freeform, they live together
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-18
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2020-10-21 01:10:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20685023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scaryfangirl2001/pseuds/scaryfangirl2001
Summary: A series of incorrect quotes starring our favorite GothamitesIncluding, but not limited to...Chapter 1: Padua High (Seattle) new student Ed Nygma, popular sophomore Oz Cobblepot, his shrew sister Tabby, geek Alvarez, and overprotective Team Mom LeeChapter 2: bullied club members Ed Nygma, Victor Zsasz, and Jim Gordon; tough garage kid Oswald CobblepotChapter 3: teenage marijuana dealer Ed Nygma and his therapist's stepson OzChapter 4: teen musician jock Jim Gordon, the boy next door Ed Nygma, the new girl Lee Thompkins, and the outcast Oz CobblepotChapter 5: widowed broadcaster Jim Gordon, his rock'n'roll brother-in-law Oz Cobblepot, and his madcap best friend Harv BullockChapter 6: best friends and web show stars Oz Cobblepot and Barbara Kean, Barbara's brother-guardian Victor Zsasz, and their  tech-savvy friend Ed NygmaChapter 7: dimwitted Jim Gordon, finicky Ed Nygma, money-grabbing Oz Cobblepot, and all the neighbor kids





	1. Source: 10 Thing I Hate About You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this about four or five weeks ago. My friend beta'd it, and I'm sending it in now

     **Oswald**: You know, there's a difference between like and love. I mean, I like my Sketchers but I love my Prada backpack.
     **Ed**: But I love my Sketchers.
     **Oswald**: That's because you don't have a Prada backpack.
     **Ed**: Oh.

* * *

     **Lee**: This morning I delivered a set of twins to a fifteen-year-old girl, and you know what she said to me?
     **Oswald**: "I'm a crack-whore who should have made my skeezy boyfriend wear a condom"?
     **Lee**: Close...but no. She said, "I should have listened to my father."
     **Oswald**: She did not!
     **Lee**: Well, that's what she would have said if she wasn't so doped up.

* * *

     **Barbara**: I was in the laundromat, I saw your car and came over to say hi!
     **Tabitha**: Hi!
     **Barbara**: Not much of talker are you?
     **Tabitha**: Depends on the topic! My fenders don't whip me into a verbal frenzy!
     **Barbara**: You're not afraid of me are you?
     **Tabitha**: Afraid of you? Why would I be afraid of you?
     **Barbara**: Some people are.
     **Tabitha**: Well I'm not.
     **Barbara**: You may not be afraid of me but I'll bet you've thought of me naked, huh?
     **Tabitha**: Am I that transparent? I want you, I _need you_. Oh baby, oh baby.

* * *

     **Oswald**: Where did you come from? Planet Loser?
     **Tabitha**: As opposed to Planet Look-at-Me, Look-at-Me?
     **Lee**: _[claps]_ Ok, here's how we solve this one: Old rule out. New rule: Oswald can date _[Oswald smiles, Tabitha with a shocked face]_ when she does. _[points at Tabtiha]_
     **Oswald**: But she's a mutant! What if she never dates?
     **Lee**: Then _you'll_ never date. Oh I like that. And I'll get to sleep at night, the deep slumber of a girl whose friends aren't out being impregnated.

* * *

     **Barbara**: She never wanted me. She wanted Butch the whole time.
     **Jim**: Barbara, do you like the girl?
     **Barbara**: Yeah.
     **Jim**: Yeah, and is she worth all this trouble?
     **Barbara**: Well, I thought she was, but you know, I...
     **Jim**: Well, she is or she isn't. See first of all, Butch is not half the person you are. Secondly, don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want. Go for it.

* * *

     **Lee**: Hello Tabby. Make anybody cry today?
     **Tabitha**: Sadly no, but it's only 4:30.

* * *

     **Jim**: Someone still has her panties in a twist.
     **Oswald**: Don't, for one minute, think that you had any effect whatsoever on my panties.
     **Jim**: Then what did I have an effect on?
     **Oswald**: Other than my upchuck reflex? Nothing.

* * *

     **Barbara**: Ah-ha! _[pulls out black underwear]_ Black panties!
     **Jim**: Well, what does that tell us?
     **Barbara**: She wants to have sex someday, that's what!
     **Jim**: You know she could just like the color!
     **Barbara**: You don't buy black lingerie unless you want someone to see it!
     **Jim**: So um... Can I see _your_ room?
     **Barbara**: No! A girl's room is very personal!

=================================================================

     **Oswald**: Argh! What is it: Asshole day? _[As Jim walks away after blocking Oswald's car in]_ Do you mind?
     **Jim**: _[smirking as he walks past]_ Not at all!
    _[Oswald rams his car into the side of Jim's sports car]_
     **Jim**: You bitch!
     **Oswald**: Whoops!
    _[Later]_
     **Lee**: Whoops? My insurance does not cover PMS!
     **Oswald**: Well, then tell them I had a seizure!
     **Lee**: _[sighs]_ Is this about Charles van Dahl? Are you punishing me because I want you to stay close to home?
     **Oswald**: Aren't you punishing me because Mom left?
     **Lee**: Do you think you could leave her out of it?
     **Oswald**: Fine! Then stop making my decisions for me!
     **Lee**: I'm your best friend. That's my right.
     **Oswald**: So what I want doesn't matter?
     **Lee**: You're 18! You don't know what you want! And you won't know what you want until you're 45, and even if you get it you'll be too old to use it!
     **Oswald**: I want to go to an East Coast School! I want you to trust me to make my own choices and I want you stop trying to control my life just because you can't control yours!
     **Lee**: Yeah? Well I want..._[pager goes off]_ Damn! We'll talk about Charles van Dahl later!
     **Oswald**: Can't wait!
     **Tabitha**: _[runs down the stairs with the phone in her hand]_ Did you just maim Jim's car?
     **Oswald**: Yeah! Looks like you're gonna have to take the bus!

* * *

     **Harvey**: _[after reading a Shakespearean sonnet]_ Now, I know Shakespeare's a dead white guy, but he knows his shit, so we can overlook that. I want you all to write your own version of this sonnet.
    _[Alvarez raises his hand in the background]_
     **Harvey**: Yes, Mister "I-Have-An-Opinion-About-Everything"?
     **Alvarez**: Do you want this in iambic pentameter?
     **Harvey**: _[stares at Alvarez]_ You're not going to fight me on this?
     **Alvarez**: No, I think it's a really good assignment.
     **Harvey**: _[chuckles]_ You're just messing with me aren't you.
     **Alvarez**: No, I'm really looking forward to writing it.
     **Harvey**: Get out of my class.

* * *

     **Alvarez**: People perceive you as somewhat...
     **Victor**: Tempestuous?
     **Alvarez**: "Heinous bitch" is the term used most often.

* * *

     **Selina**: _[about the Prom]_ Who would go to that antiquated mating ritual?
     **Ivy**: I would! But I don't have a date!
     **Selina**: Do you really want to get all dressed up so some Drakkar Noir wearing Dexter with a boner can feel you up, all while you're forced to listen to a band that, by definition, blows?
     **Ivy**: All right, all right, we won't go. It's not like I have a dress anyway.
     **Selina**: You're looking at this from entirely the wrong perspective! We're making a statement!
     **Ivy**: _[mockingly]_ Oh goody! Something new and different for us!

    

* * *

     **Oswald**: So what's your excuse?
     **Ed**: For?
     **Oswald**: Acting the way we do.
     **Ed**: I don't like to do what people expect. Why should I live up to other people's expectations instead of my own?
     **Oswald**: So you disappoint them from the start and then you're covered, right?
     **Ed**: _[smiles]_ Something like that…
     **Oswald**: Then you screwed up.
     **Ed**: How?
     **Oswald**: You never disappointed me.

* * *

     **Oswald**: You're right. She's still pissed.
     **Victor**: Sweet love, renew thy force!
     **Oswald**: Hey, man! Don't say shit like that to me. People can hear you.
     **Jim**: Look. you embarrassed the girl. Sacrifice yourself on the altar of dignity and even the score.
    _[Oswald walks off]_
     **Victor**: Listen. Don't say shit like that to him. People can hear you.

* * *

    

**Ed**: None of that stuff is true.

**Oswald**: State trooper?

**Ed**: Fallacy. Uh, Dead guy in the parking lot?

**Oswald**: Rumor. The Duck?

**Ed**: Hearsay. Bobby Ridgeway's balls?

**Oswald**: Fact. But he deserved it. He tried to grope me in the lunch line.

**Ed**: Fair enough.

**Oswald**: The accent?

**Ed**: It's real. I lived in Australia until I was 10.

**Oswald**: With the Pygmies?

**Ed**: Close. With my mom.

**Oswald**: Where were you last year? I know the porn career's a lie.

**Ed**: Do you?

_[Both laugh]_

**Grace**: You messed with the wrong girl, and now you're gonna pay. You and that little bitch.

**Cameron**: All right, that's enough, okay! You crossed the line.

_[Grace punches Tabitha in the face]_

**Grace**: Oh. come on! Get up, you little punk!

_[Barbara turns around and punches Grace in the nose]_

**Grace**: Shit Barbara! I'm shooting a nose spray ad tomorrow!

**Barbara**: That's for making my date bleed, _[punches her again]_ That's for Oswald, _[knees her in the uterus]_ and that's for me!

_[Tabitha grabs Barbara’s hand]_

**Barbara**: Are you okay?

**Tabitha**: Never been better.

**Ed**: _[while dancing]_ Milwaukee.

**Oswald**: What?

**Ed**: That's where I was last year. I wasn't in jail, I don't know [Marilyn Manson](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marilyn_Manson), and I didn’t sleep with a Spice Girl--I don’t think. You see, my grandpa, he was ill, so I spent most of the year on his couch watching Wheel of Fortune and making Spaghettios. End of story

**Oswald**: _[laughs]_ No way!

**Lee**: Where's Babs going?

**Oswald**: She's meeting some bikers. Big ones. Full of sperm.

**Lee**: Funny. _[a little curious]_ So, tell me about this dance, was it hoppin'?

**Oswald**: Ugh. Parts of it.

**Lee**: Which parts?

**Oswald**: _[laughingly]_ The part where Babs beat the hell out of some guy.

**Lee**: Barbara did what?

**Oswald**: What's the matter, upset that I rubbed off on her?

**Lee**: _[proud]_ No, impressed.

====================================================

**Ed**: Some asshole paid me to take out this really great guy.

**Oswald**: Is that right?

**Ed**: Yeah, but I screwed up. I, um, I fell for him.

**Oswald**: You can't just buy me a guitar every time you screw up, you know.

**Ed**: Yeah, I know. But then, you know, there's always drums and bass and maybe even one day a tambourine.


	2. Source: P.U.N.K.S.

** [Victor Zsasz:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049832) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049832) [Being tired of seeing the strong pick on the weak, we the P.U.N.K.S. are hereby united for one solemn, secret purpose: to protect the underdog with nerve, knowledge, strength.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049832)

** [Jim Gordon:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049833) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049833) [[dressed up as an adult, ordering a drink from a bar] Umm, chocolate milk... On the rocks.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049833)

** [Victor Zsasz:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049834) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049834) [First things first: we have to swear in new members.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049834)

** [Ed Nygma:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049834) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049834) [[pulling Victor to the side, whispering] What about...](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049834)

** [Oswald Cobblepot:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049834) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049834) [[interrupting, leaning over Ed and Victor]... the B.I.R.D.?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049834)

** [Victor Zsasz:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049835) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049835) [[holding a container of Grey Poupon in front of a fan] Stay back, or I'll Poupon you! [laughs] Get it? Poop-on-you?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049835)

** [Barbara Kean:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049836) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049836) [Hey, you know what we're gonna do this weekend? We're gonna take the corporate jet, and we're gonna go squirrel hunting. You wanna come, Alvarez? Huh? [taking a gun and aiming it at his head] A gun like this, almost shoots itself.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049836)

** [Alvarez:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049836) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049836) [[nervously] Wh-what's the sport in that?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049836)

** [Barbara Kean:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049836) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049836) [It's the way I like it. Would you go back to work? [points to her stuffed crow] My bird hates your cologne.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049836)

** [Barbara Kean:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049837) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049837) [The government sells to every Saddam, Dick, and Harry, why can't I?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049837)

** [Ed Nygma:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049838) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049838) [I'm in Radio Shack heaven! Electronics, amps, transmitters, receivers, robotics, surveillance equipment! Can I borrow a few parts? I'm gonna come up with a science project to beat that Arnold Flass.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049838)

** [Harvey Bullock:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049838) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049838) [Lofty goal.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049838)

** [Oswald Cobblepot:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049839) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049839) [Who's the guy eatin' Styrofoam?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049839)

** [Victor Zsasz:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049839) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049839) [That would be Jim.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049839)

** [Jim Gordon:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049839) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049839) [Um, it's a rice cake. High in complex carbohydrates, uh, less than a gram of fat and uh, six grams of fiber. I just... thought you should know, you weren't even close.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049839)

** [Oswald Cobblepot:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049839) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049839) [And, uh, where'd you get this one, the weenie factory?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049839)

** [Ed Nygma:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049839) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049839) [Excuse me! I have an IQ of 160.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049839)

** [Oswald Cobblepot:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049839) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049839) [[mockingly] Oh really? Well, I've got a calculator!](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049839)

** [Oswald Cobblepot:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049840) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049840) [This is it. My mom’s been sick for a while, so I've been picking up some of her repo jobs on the sly. I've tagged along so many of these, I can do 'em in my sleep.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049840)

** [Ed Nygma:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049840) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049840) [Isn't this stealing?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049840)

** [Oswald Cobblepot:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049840) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049840) [Not if you don't pay your bills. See, you've got your master keys, your lockpicks, your right angle screwdrivers, your extractors, and of course, the modified slim jim.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049840)

** [Ed Nygma:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049841) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049841) [If we get the Augmentor, can I enter it in the science fair?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049841)

** [Victor Zsasz:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049841) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049841) [Let's get it first, Ed, okay?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049841)

** [Ed Nygma:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049841) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049841) [Can't you just see the look on Flass’s face when I unveil it?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049841)

** [Harvey Bullock:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049841) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049841) [You are such a nerd.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049841)

** [Harvey Bullock:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049842) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049842) [This is the bomb! We could sell this for a fortune!](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049842)

** [Victor Zsasz:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049842) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049842) [Whoa, Harv, this is classified intelligence. I mean we should be camouflaging this.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049842)

** [Oswald Cobblepot:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049842) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049842) [Yo wouldn't it be phat we painted it like cherry red with flames?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049842)

** [Ed Nygma:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049842) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049842) [It's an Augmentor, not a Camaro.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049842)

** [Oswald Cobblepot:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049842) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049842) [So what's your idea, wastoid?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049842)

** [Victor Zsasz:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049842) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049842) [Hey, wait, wait, everybody! Knock it off you guys!](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049842)

** [Oswald Cobblepot:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049842) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049842) [What are you looking at?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049842)

** [Ed Nygma:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049842) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049842) [I don't know. Thought it was a bird, but uh, I'm open to suggestions.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049842)

** [Ed Nygma:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049843) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049843) [I say we give up Oswald and Harvey like ugly stepkids. It's their stinkin' prints muckin' up the works!](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049843)

** [Oswald Cobblepot:  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049843) ** [[fires a spitball at him] Yeah right. We are not goin' down without our accomplices. We'll name names.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049843)

** [Ed Nygma:  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049843) ** [I told you he was trouble! He's evil!](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049843)

** [Oswald Cobblepot:  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049844) ** [We better crash at your guys' place for a while in case they come after us.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049844)

** [Ed Nygma:  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049844) ** [Oh sure. 'Hi Mom, Dad. These fourteen-year-old guys, they’re just sleeping over tonight. Don't mind me, I'll be upstairs, in my room, *entering puberty*!' Are you nuts?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049844)

** [Barbara Kean:  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049845) ** [[to her stuffed crow] See? We are ready. Don't peck Mommy, don't peck Mommy.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049845)

** [Victor Zsasz:  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049846) ** [[being chased by a car] Yo, Base, this is Victor! I've got a situation here! They're creeping up on me like a pair of lady's underwear. Any ideas?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1049846)


	3. Source: The Wackness

** [Oswald:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122165) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122165) [You're a virgin?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122165)

** [Ed:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122165) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122165) [No. Naw. I just haven't officially had sex yet.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122165)

**\--------------------------------------**

** [Ed:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122166) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122166) [Do me a favor, Oz?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122166)

** [Oswald:  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122166) ** [Huh?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122166)

** [Ed:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122166) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122166) [Don't say nothin, ok? Just stand there til I leave. I wanna remember this. I've never done it before.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122166)

** [Oswald:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122166) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122166) [Never done what?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122166)

** [Ed:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122166) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122166) [Had my heart broken.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122166)

**\------------------------------------**

** [Grace Van Dahl:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122167) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122167) [Don't touch my son.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122167)

** [Oswald, Ed:  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122167) ** [Stepson!](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122167)

**\-------------------------------------**

** [Grace Van Dahl:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122168) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122168) [Sometimes it's right to do the wrong thing, and right now is one of those times.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122168)

**\---------------------------------------**

** [Grace Van Dahl:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122169) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122169) [The city's a disaster, Ed. It’s not like it used to be. It's plastic. One big fucking happy meal.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122169)

** [Ed:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122169) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122169) [Some people like happy meals.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122169)

** [Grace Van Dahl:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122169) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122169) [Some people like the Yankees too, Ed. It doesn't mean they're right.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122169)

\-----------------------------------------------

** [Ed, to Oswald:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122170) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122170) [I got mad love for you shorty. That's on the real.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122170)

\----------------------------------------------

** [Ed:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122171) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122171) [[on the phone with Jim] Peace out, forever!](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122171)

\---------------------------------------------

** [Ed:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122172) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122172) [So that was all bullshit right? All that stuff about embracing your pain, making it a part of you? You can't do this, you can't just give up. Life is hard and it's full of pain and what-not, but we take it cause there's great stuff too. And we can do it cause we have friends- because we have each other.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122172)

\----------------------------------------------

** [Ed:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122173) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122173) [[asking Oswald’s mom for a cigarette] Got another?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122173)

** [Gertrud:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122173) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122173) [You smoke?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122173)

** [Ed:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122173) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122173) [Everything.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122173)

\---------------------------------------------

** [Grace Van Dahl:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122174) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122174) [He doesn't appreciate you.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122174)

** [Jim:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122174) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122174) [How do you know that](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122174) ** [?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122174) **

** [Grace Van Dahl:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122174) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122174) [He couldn't possibly.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122174)

** [Jim:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122174) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122174) [That's a compliment, right?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122174)

** [Grace Van Dahl:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122174) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122174) [[touches brim of hat] Sir.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122174)

\------------------------------------------------

** [Oswald:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122175) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122175) [It doesn't matter.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122175)

** [Ed:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122175) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122175) [Doesn't matter? Why not?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122175)

** [Oswald:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122175) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122175) [Because how could anything possibly matter right now?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122175)

\----------------------------------------------------

** [Ed:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122176) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122176) [There's enough assholes in the world, Grace Van Dahl, don't be another one.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122176)

\-----------------------------------------------------

** [Grace Van Dahl:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122177) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122177) [Certain people you just can't trust, you know Ed?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122177)

** [Grace Van Dahl:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122177) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122177) [Never trust anyone who doesn't smoke pot or listen to Dylan.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122177)

** [Grace Van Dahl:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122177) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122177) [Never trust anyone who doesn't like the beach.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122177)

** [Grace Van Dahl:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122177) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122177) [Never, EVER, EVER trust anyone who says they don't like dogs!](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122177)

** [Grace Van Dahl:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122177) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122177) [You meet someone who doesn't like dogs you alert the authorities IMMEDIATELY and you sure as SHIT don't MARRY THEM!](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122177)

\-----------------------------------------------------

** [Grace Van Dahl:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122178) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122178) [Young men need sex, Ed. All men, actually... I- I can get you a hooker if you like.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122178)

** [Ed:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122178) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122178) [God, I was *this* close to respecting you.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122178)

** [Grace Van Dahl:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122178) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122178) [Big mistake, Ed. Call your boy. You don't need medication, Ed. You just need to get laid.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122178)

\-------------------------------------------------------

** [Grace Van Dahl:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122179) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122179) [What're you in here for?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122179)

** [Prisoner:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122179) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122179) [I stabbed my wife in the pussy.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122179)

** [Grace Van Dahl:  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122179) ** [Oh! Wow!](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122179)

\---------------------------------------------------------

** [Grace Van Dahl:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122180) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122180) [It used to be you could lick a sheet of acid, hold up a band, fuck a whore in Times Square without anyone batting an eyelash. Now, one blunt, we're in the clink. This whole city's fucked!](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122180)

\----------------------------------------------------------

** [Grace Van Dahl:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122181) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122181) [It's great, living. Get your heart broken, find yourself face down in the gutter, get your balls sucked, make a real mess of a life.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122181)

\---------------------------------------------------------

** [Gertrud:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122182) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122182) [Ed, have you had any more thoughts about what you're gonna be as far as a profession goes?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122182)

** [Charles:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122182) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122182) [Y’know, he's got time.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122182)

** [Gertrud:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122182) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122182) [I'm just asking!](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122182)

** [Ed:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122182) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122182) [Actually, I'm thinking about becoming a shrink.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122182)

** [Elijah:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122182) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122182) [Psychology! It's not quite the shoe business, but it's a very interesting field.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122182)

** [Ed:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122182) ** [  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122182) [I figure I'm an expert because everyone around me is so fucking crazy, you know?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122182)

\-------------------------------------------------------------

**[Ed:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122183) ** [In June I graduate. And then I go to my safety school. And then I get a little older. And then I die.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122183)

\-------------------------------------------------------------

**[Oswald Cobblepot:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122164) ** [   
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122164) [Know what your problem is, Nygma? It's that you just have this really shitty way of looking at things, ya know? I don't have that problem. I just look at the dopeness. But you, it's like you just look at the wackness, ya know?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122164)

** [Ed Nygma:  
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122164) ** [I do?](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122164)

**[Oswald:](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122164) ** [   
](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122164) [All you have to do is look at me. And kiss me.](https://www.quotes.net/mquote/1122164)


	4. Source: Riverdale

Lee: Ed, now that it's just us here, and at the risk of us failing the Bechdel test, are you legitimately cool with Jim and me? Swear on the September issue?  
Ed: And on my copy of "Forever" by Judy Blume.  
[They laugh]

  * ===============================================

Lee: Tabby, I'm so sorry I'm late.  
Tabby: All you missed was my abdication. The Vixens are in the gym awaiting you, their new Director. And I wanted to give you this.  
[Gives Her A Shirt]  
Lee: Your "HBIC" shirt?  
Tabby: These last few days have put things in perspective.  
Lee: I understand, but if you personally need anything...  
Tabby: I'm fine...#MyTearsForGalavanMen.  
[She leaves]

  * ================================================

Cora: The night of the homecoming when your father and I were crowned king and queen, the fight that Elijah saw, I had just told your father I was pregnant. And we disagreed on how best to handle...things. And we had a really big fight, and the next day I went away.  
Ed: To the Sisters of Quiet Mercy?  
Cora: Yeah, and five months later your brother was born. The Sisters arranged for a quiet adoption.  
Ed: God, Mom, I'm so sorry.  
Cora: It's the biggest regret of my life.  
Ed: I'm so sorry.  
[Crying]  
Ed: It's okay, Mom.  
[They hug and sob]

  * =============================================

Penguin: Cleaning the trailer, convincing me that you quit drinking...I was so happy for the first time in so long. You paid attention to me. Let's be honest, the only reason you even read my manuscript about Theo's murder was to make sure I wasn't onto you. You didn't want to take me to Toledo to get the family back together; you wanted to get away, you wanted to run away.  
Elijah: I did what I had to do! WHAT I ALWAYS DO!  
Penguin: Are you even sorry?  
Elijah: I'm sorry I got caught. We done?  
[Penguin walks away]  
Elijah: Look at me Oswald! Never come back here! Understand?

  * =============================================

Salvatore: Tabby, what is it?  
Tabby: You did a bad thing, Daddy. And now everyone knows.

  * =============================================

Ed: Wait, do you mean about great-grandpappy Nygma being murdered by a Galavan?  
Michael: Ed, your great-grandfather wasn't just murdered by a Galavan. He WAS a Galavan. After the murder, our family severed ties with the Galavans and their name. We took a new one: Nygma.  
Ed: I'm...a Galavan?!  
Cora: Kristen is a Galavan? Which makes her and Theo...relatives by blood. Which is why you wanted to...  
Michael: Yeah. Cora, that's why.  
Cora: Oh my God, Michael! If you were willing to send our daughter away to keep her away from Theo...  
Ed: How far would the Galavans go to keep them apart?  
We need to get Kristen out of that house.

  * =============================================

Ed: Put this on.  
Jim: What?  
Ed: Put it on.  
[Jim puts on the jacket]  
Jim: Ed, this is weird.  
[Ed searches the jacket]  
Ed: There's a hole in the pocket.  
Victor: Okay, now we're just grasping at straws.  
Ed: Okay, no. I don't know about you guys, but whenever I have a hole in my jacket pocket, I always lose my chapstick in the lining.  
Lee: ...Or in my Monte-Blanc.  
Ed: Hold on.  
[He searches in the pocket and finds a USB]  
Lee: What the hell?  
Victor: The Hardy Boy strikes again.

  * ============================================

Kristen: What is that? What did you find?  
Tabby: My Nana's ring.  
Kristen: She gave it to Theo. He proposed to me with that ring. So how does your mother have it?  
Tabby: I...  
[Kristen reaches]  
Tabby: Hands off, goblin.  
Kristen: The only way your mom could have that ring is if she or your dad got it from Theo. And he wouldn't have given it up over his dead body.  
[Tabby grabs Kristen's wrist]  
Tabby: Kristen, you are carrying precious cargo, but if you think for one second that those babies guarantee your safety, you're in for a rude awakening.

  * =============================================

Penguin: Is that why your mom invited my dad and me to dinner? So these two could break into his trailer while she interrogated him?!  
Ed: No, I didn't know what they were doing. But yes, that is why she invited you guys.  
Penguin: To think I was gonna pass moving to Toledo with my family for you. Before I went to my dad's trailer, you asked if I believed him. I said I did. Wasn't that good enough for you?!  
Ed: It was! It was good enough. I tried to talk to her.  
Penguin: You could've told me. You could've warned me about all this.  
Ed: You were so excited, Oz. I didn't want to disappoint you.  
Penguin: So instead you lied. You all lied to me.

  * =============================================

Ed: Victor said someone tipped off his dad. Was it you?  
Cora: I was at the dance.  
Ed: Answer the damn question, Mom. And don't lie. Was it you?  
Cora: It was not. Though I'm glad that you're safe and as much as I like Penguin, I am so glad that you're done with that family.  
Ed: Done? I love Penguin. He's as much as my family as you are, more so right now.  
Cora: You are not going anywhere, young lady.  
Ed: I'm going to look for Penguin. Do not push me tonight, Mom, because I will push back.  
[He leaves]

  * =============================================

Cora: Well, well, well...Mackenzie Gordon.  
Mackenzie: Well, well, well...Cora Nygma.  
Cora: I saw you swanning in earlier with Ben and Morena. I didn't realize that you were polyamorous.  
Mackenzie: I don't think that's an actual word.  
Cora: It's a compliment, Mackenzie.  
Mackenzie: Huh.  
Cora: I couldn't be seen in the same room with those two, not after all of their monkey business. Oh. Oh, did you not know?  
Mackenzie: You have been playing the same game since Junior High and it was tired even back there. Ben is a big boy and he can do as he pleases. I came here tonight to have fun with both of my dates. So if you have a problem with that...

  * =============================================

Jim: I tried to help my dad, Leslie.  
Lee: Jim, what did you say?  
Jim: I told him not to sign the divorce papers, and I don't even know why. It's not like I even want them to get back together. Lee, why do I keep doing this? I keep wrecking things.  
Lee: Welcome to my life. Every day I feel like there's a new secret, a new lie about my parents about what they've done. I don't want my mom to be guilty, Jim. I really want that to be a lie.

  * =============================================

Ed: Why are you getting so upset? It's just a party, Oz.  
Penguin: It's not just a party. It's the fact that you don't know, or even care, that this is the last thing I would want. You did this for you to prove something.  
Ed: To prove what?  
Penguin: You're a great boyfriend? I don't know. Doesn't it ever occur to you how different we are, like on a cellular DNA level? You're a straight-A student, a scientist. For God's sake, you're the perfect boy-next-door.  
Ed: I hate that word.  
Penguin: I'm the damaged, loner outsider from the wrong side of tracks. Ed, come on, who are we kidding?! We're on borrowed time.

  * =============================================

Ed: I should've told you about Butch, but I lied. And instead threw you this party you didn't want.  
Penguin: Why did you?  
Ed: Something is very...very wrong with me. Like, there's this darkness in me that's overwhelming. Sometimes I don't know where it comes from, but I think that's what makes me do things.

  * =============================================

Tabby: Secrets & Sins, it's like Truth or Dare in which we own our truths by telling it like it is. I'll start the game with...Lee Thompkins.  
Lee: Naturally.  
Tabby: Let's begin with the day you and your mob wife of a mother came to town for a so-called fresh start. Tell us Lee, what's so fresh about defiling Jim Gordon in a closet?  
Lee: That was your doing...  
Tabby: Moving on! To dear Daddy Thompkins, isn't it true that your father, from prison, illegally purchased the drive-in land? Which makes me wonder, what else is he doing from behind bars?  
Lee: Well, I can't speak for my father, but I can think of someone with a very dirty secret. Specifically, Tabby killing her very own brother.  
Tabby: Everyone knows how much I loved my brother.  
Lee: Exactly. But did you love him maybe in ways a sister shouldn't love a brother? And as you got older, Theo started to think it was strange, unnatural. So he chose Kristen over you, so you shot him between the eyes with one of your father's many hunting rifles.  
Victor: This is riveting. I. Can't. Breathe.

  * ============================================

Lee: Isabella, I meant what I said. I'm sorry, Isabella. For everything my family did to yours.  
Isabella: It's not your fault what your dad did, and you were there for me when no one else was. More than once.  
[Motions to seat next to her]  
Isabella: Seat’s not taken if you want it.  
[Lee sits and Penguin's voiceover begins]  
Penguin: It seems that for Lee, the sins of the father will remain simply that.

  * ===============================================

Jim: Tabby, you okay?  
Tabby: What did my dad say to you? That I'm a trainwreck? Theo was the golden boy, but me...people hate me, Jim. At school, that's fine, whatever, but this is my family.  
Jim: Forget them, Tabby. Forget what they think. I think you're awesome.  
Tabby: Oh Jim. Sometimes I think you may be the only decent person left in Gotham. The only person who doesn't want something from me or doesn't want me to apologize for who I am...or what I want.  
[She kisses Jim]

  * =================================================

Ed: Mom...Jim, he talked to Kristen. She's okay, Mom. She didn't choose the Galavans over us, she's actually there to spy on them.  
[Sniffles and drinks]  
Cora: You know, when I went after this story, I thought in the back of my mind, "What if..what if this is finally the time she doesn't come back?"  
Ed: She will, Mom! Right now, she's our woman on the inside. We're going to write this story.  
Penguin: Come write with us at the Blue and Gold.  
Cora: The school newspaper?!  
Penguin: Yea, it's what we are, but I'm pretty sure our annual operating budget is bigger than the Register's.

  * =========================================

Jim: Kris! Wait...you were right about being bought and taking shortcuts. After last night, I'm done with the Galavans.  
Kristen: Jim, I'm done with you. Ever since we've started dating, you've ignored me. You've ditched me.  
Jim: Kris, please! Let me make it up to you.  
Kristen: Sorry, Jim, but unlike you, I won't be bought.  
[Puts in earbuds and runs off]

  * ============================================

Elijah: The heat is on, the cops are coming around. This is our insurance, in case everything goes to hell. Figuratively. Stash it and keep it safe.  
[Throws bag to Alvarez]  
Elijah: How's it going with the Zsasz kid?  
Alvarez: It's just good, things are legit.  
Elijah: Right on. We're going to need that inside line with the sheriff.  
[Silence and stare]  
Elijah: What? You've got a problem?  
Alvarez: He likes me.  
Elijah: For real? [Scoffs] Ah, you're breaking my heart. We've all got a part to play.

  * ==============================================

Cora: You must be loving this, Morena. Providing sanctuary to my daughter. Asking me here to...what...gloat?  
Morena: I asked you here because I'm trying to help. So what is your plan for Kristen? What do you want?  
Cora: I want my daughter back. I want my family back together.  
Morena: Then it's time to face the facts.  
Cora: Morena, Kristen is a teenager. She hasn't even finished high school, the father of her baby has been murdered. You want to play house with her and throw her a baby shower? Fine. But the very next day, all of those things will still be true. And she's supposed to...what...raise a child?!  
Morena: Mothers do it every day. We did it. Come to the shower, be there for Kristen, help her. Otherwise, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life.

  * =============================================

Nana Galavan: The specter reads the baby's aura. It predicts the sex.  
Tabby: Nana has dementia and gypsy blood.  
[Dangles the crystal]  
Nana Galavan: Oh!  
Kristen: What? Is my baby okay?!  
Nana Galavan: Babies. It's twins. One of each.  
Ed: This is occultism at its most ludicrous.

  * ============================================

Tabby: Oh Kristen, come stay with us at Thorn Hill!  
Fish: Tabby's invitation is...genuine. Thorn Hill's gates will always be open to you. The child would want for nothing. You would want for nothing.  
Cora: [Sighs] Do you think you can just waltz in here with a bed bug-infested Trojan horse, wave a blank check around, and steal my daughter?  
Fish: I didn't think you wanted her, or else, why would she be exiled like some pariah?  
Cora: To keep her away from your family!  
Fish: Oh...and not because you're ashamed? Why is your own daughter not living with you?  
Cora: She's not gonna step foot in that twisted, poisonous house of yours!  
Tabby: She should be so lucky.  
Ed: Tabby, that's not helping.  
Fish: She'd do a lot better there than with you.  
Cora: How dare you!

  * ============================================

Jim: How long?  
Penguin: Well, since they shut down the drive-in. That's where I was living before.  
Jim: Why the hell aren't you living at home?  
Penguin: Truth is things aren't great at home.  
Jim: With your dad?  
Penguin: Yeah. He kinda fell off the wagon. After your dad fired him to tell you the truth. He hasn't had a job since. He keeps promising that he will get his act together, but my stepmom couldn't take that roller coaster anymore. So, she grabbed Sasha and Charles and went to live with our grandparents.  
[School bell rings]  
Jim: God Oz, why didn't you tell me? And where does your dad think you are?  
Penguin: He thinks I'm couch-surfing.  
Jim: Screw that! Live with me.  
Penguin: It's temporary. I'm going to figure something out. Just don't tell anybody, especially not Ed.  
Jim: Ed? He’s not going to care. If anybody's going to be a snob about that, maybe Lee.  
Penguin: Well, exactly. Don't tell her either.

  * =============================================

Ed: Kristen, everyone's worried sick. Why did you leave the home? You could've really hurt yourself.  
Kristen: I couldn't just stay there, waiting for someone who was never going to show. Theo and I, we had a plan to go to this farm upstate and raise the baby. It's where I still want to go, but I don't have any money. I don't have anything.  
Ed: Why don't you just stay here?  
Kristen: Mom and Dad want me to give the baby up for adoption. They made that very clear, and that's not what I want.  
Ed: Well this is their grandchild, Kristen, and everyone knows your pregnant now. There's no more stigma.  
Kristen: You don't know what they'll do. And I won't have my baby raised in a home that doesn't want it.  
Ed: Kristen, give me a few days. I'll find you someplace safe here in Gotham. Please, Kristen. I cannot lose you again.

  * =============================================

Lee: When my dad got arrested, the police...the lawyers...the judge...the courts...they took everything from us. Our houses, our cars, our club memberships, our yacht. Even, I'm not kidding, the clothes off our backs. Anyway, my mom sat me down at the edge of my canopy bed and she told me not to cry because there was one thing in this world that nobody could take away from me. Not ever.  
Harvey Dent: Your trust fund?  
Lee: My name, Harvey. Which after telling me "Nobody would ever take it," that is EXACTLY what she did! Like it meant nothing. Like it was nothing. Like I was nothing.

  * =============================================

Victor: You guys, oh my God!  
Lee: What?  
Victor: Tabby tweeted, "#KristenNygmakilledmybrother, #nowheretohide, #sharpenyourpitchforks"  
Ed: Oh no! We need to find Kristen before the Galavans do.

  * ==============================================

Morena: When your father was arrested, he made you a legal officer of Thompkins Industries. Surprise! And two out of three signatures are needed to override the contract, which your father wants to give to a less than legit outfit.  
Lee: And you want my help to give it to your boyfriend? [Scoffs] I was going to apologize to you. If I sign that, will you stop seeing Ben Gordon?  
Morena: Honey, I can't agree with that.  
Lee: Then that case, Mom, I'm sorry, but no. However, you're rationalizing what you're doing with Jim's dad, I don't want any part of it.  
[She leaves]  
[Morena forges Lee's signature]

  * ===============================================

Ed: The night of the drive-in. Did you break into Sheriff Zsasz's house and steal his case files?  
Michael: What?!  
Ed: You weren't at the drive-in. You weren't with mom when she put Mr. Barnes on trial. Where were you?  
Michael: Ed, what do you think I did?  
Ed: Did you kill Theo Galavan?  
[Cora Nygma laughs]  
Cora: Him? You think that he killed Theo? Your father? You think that he has the stomach for that?!  
Michael: Cora...  
Cora: I wish he killed Theo. I wish I had. After what Theo did to Kristen. I swear Edward. You're sounding crazy just like your sister.  
Ed: Stop saying that, Mom. She's not crazy!

  * ==============================================

Lee: Not to be "that girl", Jim, but I didn't get the memo we were adding another voice to the mix.  
Jim: Hey, Leslie, great news! Kristen quit the Pussycats.  
Lee: So that makes me...what then...backup?  
Jim: No, I mean, you were just doing this as a favor to me, right?  
Lee: You're unbelievable, Jim. You literally have zero loyalty. You, Ginger Judas!

  * ===============================================

Sophia: Mom, Kristen quit the Pussycats.  
Mayor Aubrey: Replace her!  
Sophia: Kris writes our songs. She's irreplaceable.  
Mayor Aubrey: No, Sophia, you're irreplaceable. Everyone else is...disposable. You know...maybe it's not such a bad thing to try a new voice? A different sound? You know how your father feels about pop music.  
Sophia: But it's not pop music this time.  
Mayor Aubrey: Well, he's catching a Red Eye and missing two concert dates to see you in this Variety Show. I would hate for you to let him down.  
Sophia: I understand, and I won't.  
Mayor Aubrey: Good. Because if you do, he will somehow blame me.

  * ===============================================

Ed: Ozzy, I feel like I don't even know who my mom and dad are anymore.  
Penguin: Ed...if your parents lied about Theo and Kristen, there's probably more they lied about.  
Ed: Maybe.  
Penguin: Your dad said he would do anything to protect Kristen. So the next logical question is, how far would he go to protect her?  
Ed: Oz, whoever broke into Sheriff Zsasz's house and stole all this evidence wasn't at the drive-in. My dad wasn't at the drive-in...

  * ================================================

Lee: Is this your playing hand?  
[Nods]  
Lee: Jim! This hand is your instrument. You need to take better care of it. And yet, stop punishing yourself while you're at it. Are you sure?  
Jim: I got slammed because I didn't know the play. I didn't know the play because, like an idiot, instead of memorizing my plays I was up late last night working on some of my songs with Kristen. God, I'm such an idiot.  
Lee: Kristen, huh? You know, I endorse this.  
Jim: You jealous, Leslie?  
Lee: Please...I've had my seven minutes of heaven with Jim Gordon.  
[Patches his arm]

  * =================================================

Mrs. Galavan: I told you, Tabby. No more sleeping in Theo's bed.  
Tabby: I didn't. I was working on the eulogy for him.  
Mrs. Galavan: Don't bother. You won't be speaking at his memorial. God knows what you'd say. Something to humiliate us?  
[Crumples up eulogy]

  * ================================================

Every town has one, the spooky house that all the kids avoid. Ours was Thornhill, the Galavan family's mansion, with its very own graveyard. And trapped within its walls, like some Gothic heroine, was Tabby Galavan, who's still grieving for her beloved brother Theo. Linked in death even as they were in life.

Penguin

  * =================================================

Lee: What's happening out there? Do we know? Is it about me?  
Penguin: I have a strong inkling, and no. Also, I'd let it go.  
Lee: Yes, but you're you and I'm me. You do you, girl. I'll be back.  
[She leaves]  
Victor: What was it like before she got here? I honestly cannot remember.

  * =================================================

Victor: Can I borrow the truck for the drive-in?  
Sheriff Zsasz: You got a date?  
Victor: No, I'm going with Lee.  
Sheriff Zsasz: Ah okay. Isn't there a nice, single, gay kid at your school?  
Victor: Yes, there is. Me.  
Sheriff Zsasz: Alright. No cruising guys Tonight. We both know what goes into those woods.  
Victor: Oh my God, Dad!

  * ================================================

Ed: Bobby pin.  
Lee: Okay, MacGyver.  
[Unlocks box]  
Ed: I learned that from the Nancy Drew detective handbook.

  * ================================================

Ed: Mr. Barnes showed up in Gotham a year ago, out of thin air. There is no record of him before that. His Facebook, his LinkedIn account...they were all created a year ago. Before that he's a ghost, he doesn't exist. The only Nathaniel Grundy' I could find was a woman who died seven years ago.  
Jim: Where did you find all this?  
Lee: The deep web, the dark internet. Check it, it's all online...simple Googling.

  * ================================================

If I would have known Mama Thompkins was working as a waitress at Pop's, I never would've given Lee a spot on the Vixens. It's off-brand and it sends a false message of acceptance.

\- Tabby

  * ================================================

Lee: What the hell is a "Sticky Maple"?  
Victor: It's kinda what it sounds like. It's a Gotham thing.  
Lee: No, Victor, it's a slut-shaming thing. And I'm neither a slut nor am I going to be shamed by someone named, excuse me, Butch Gilzean! Does he really think he can get away with this? Does he not know who I am?! I will cut the brakes on his supped-up phallic symbol.

  * ================================================

Cora: Morena Thompkins. Park Ave Princess to cater waiter.  
Morena: Cora Nygma. No longer lactose intolerant, I see.  
Cora: How's Lee? Oh, you don't even know, do you? The things they're saying about your daughter at school?  
Morena: What things?  
Cora: Slut-shaming. It's what they call it when sluts get shamed.

  * ================================================

Ben: I need you to tell me the truth about something. I know my son has passion for music, but does he have talent? See, I want to be supportive but as a parent, it's really hard to watch your kid chase a dream they may never catch when real opportunities are passing them by.  
Mr. Barnes: Ben, Jim...he has talent. Unquestionably. I'm not gonna lie to you, he is coming to it late and he's got a lot of catching up to do. And there's an entire world of competition out there.  
Ben: Will he be able to make a living at it?  
Mr. Barnes: It'd be a shame if he didn't at least try.

  * ================================================

Tabby: Color me impressed. A B&E with B&V. What would your Holy Roller mother say about this, Ed?  
Ed: What are you doing here. Tabby?  
Victor: And where did you get those thigh-high boots?! They're amazing.

  * =================================================

Ed: You should be writing about the real story. What happened to Theo? Who was holding him captive? Why was he frozen? And who shot that gun on July 4?  
Cora: Yes, well if you're so keen on reporting, then why don't you come work with your father and me? The Register could really use a Lois Lane type like you.

  * ================================================

Fries: So, Saturday night...  
Zsasz: Listen Fries, you're hot. Yes. My type? Definitely. But you've got more demons than The Exorcist. We are all on the spectrum but my gay-o-meter says you should stick with what you know best...girls.

  * =================================================

Tabby: You're here for me, aren't you? Because of the autopsy?  
Principal Pennyworth: We don't need to do this in front of your classmates, Tabby.  
Tabby: It's alright, Principal Pennyworth. They'll find out soon enough.  
[Holds up wrists]  
Sheriff Zsasz: No, that won't be necessary.  
Lee: Wait, Tabby, find out what?  
Tabby: That I'm guilty.

  * =================================================

Ed: Why are you asking me so many questions about Kristen? Tabby?!  
Tabby: Because, you dumb cow, someone shot my brother and I think it was your crazy tweaked-out sister.

  * =================================================

Lee: Is Ed still mad at you?  
Jim: Back to no texting. What about you?  
Lee: I'm back to being the shallow, toxic rich bitch who ruins everything in her path. Which is unfortunate because, even though I only just met Ed, it really felt like we were meant to be best friends like it was our destiny. And now... [Sighs] it's like there was this train that was heading to the rest of my life, and I just missed it.

  * ==================================================

Jim: Is this...how you feel about...is it real? Because if it's not then I don't know what I'm protecting.  
Mr. Barnes: It is. It is real. Maybe it's not right, but it's real, which isn't why...we...you...can't go to Pennyworth. If you do that, we will never see each other again. Jim, I'm putting myself in your hands.

  * ==================================================

It's the path of least resistance, Vic. A week ago Lee and I weren't friends. Next week, we'll nod to each other as we pass in the hall, but that's it. You know, in two weeks she won't even remember my name and in three, she'll have latched onto some other guy to destroy.

\- Ed

  * ==================================================

What is a "Chock'lit Shoppe" and why does it sell burgers?!

\- Lee

  * ==================================================

Ed: I'm not gonna ask what you did with Lee at Tabby's. I'm asking you now, right now, if you love me, Jim, or even like me?  
Jim: Of course I love you, Ed. But I can't give you the answer you want.  
Ed: Why?  
Jim: You are so perfect. I've never been good enough for you. I'll never be good enough for you.

  * ==================================================

Victor: Is cheerleading still a thing?  
Tabby: Is being the gay best friend still a thing?!

  * ==================================================

Victor: Is it true what they say about your dad?  
Lee: That he's the devil incarnate? I stand by my father. Does everyone here know?  
[Awkward silence]  
Lee: Wonderful! Ten minutes in and I'm already the "Blue Jasmine" of Gotham High.

  * ==================================================

Lee: I'm filled with dread.  
Jim: Why's that?  
Lee: Are you familiar with the works of Truman Capote? I'm "Breakfast at Tiffany's" but this place is strictly "In Cold Blood."

  * ==================================================

Victor: Oh my God!  
Ed: What?  
Victor: Game changer - Jim got hot! He's got abs now. Six more reasons for you to take that ginger bull by the horns Tonight.

  * ===================================================

Our story is about a town; a small town and the people who live in the town. From a distance, it presents itself like so many other small towns all over the world...safe, decent, innocent. Get closer though and you start seeing the shadows underneath. The name of our town is "Gotham".

\- Penguin

  * ===================================================

Ed: Wow, it looks great in here.  
Penguin: I cleaned it up after Sheriff Zsasz thrashed it. In case of my dad...  
Ed: Until he gets out, I'm not giving up on him, Oz.  
Penguin: I know, and that is why I love you, Ed. I love you, Ed Nygma.  
Ed: Oswald Cobblepot... I love you.  
[They kiss]


	5. Source: Full House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 5: This is a story about widowed broadcaster Jim raising his three daughters with help from his rock'n'roll brother-in-law Oz and his madcap best friend Harv.

### Cutting It Close [2.1]**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_2&action=edit&section=2)****]**

**Jim**: Breakfast is ready. We're having pan... (sees Oz's hair) ...cuts

**Harvey**: (upon seeing Oz's new haircut) You went from Eddie Van Halen to Pee-Wee Van Herman.

### SOPHIA's Very First Horse [2.4]**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_2&action=edit&section=3)****]**

_(SOPHIA has brought her horse inside the house)_

**Harvey**: Oh, this is great. Jim's going to walk in here, see this horse and blame me for the whole thing. Do you know why? Because this is *very* funny.

_(laughs)_

**Oz**: Jim's gonna flip his gourd. We gotta get this horse out of here.

**Harvey**: Well, how do we get him out?

**Oz**: We'll feed him, give him food. What does he eat?

**Harvey**: Hay.

**Oz**: We don't have any hay.

**Harvey**: Penguin, you went to the market, and you didn't pick up any hay?

**Selina**: Don't get me in trouble. Hide the tail!

**SOPHIA**: I'll tell you what, if you can keep this secret for two weeks, I'll let you own part of the horse.

**Selina**: Which part do I get?

**SOPHIA**: The tail.

**Selina**: My very own tail?

### Beach Boy Bingo [2.6]**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_2&action=edit&section=4)****]**

**Jim**: I am stoked! Whatever that means.

### Harvey Gets Tough [2.7]**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_2&action=edit&section=5)****]**

**Jim**: You watch Wake Up Gotham because it's nice, and easy. Well this morning, I had a little too much coffee, so we're gonna do it nice... and rough.

### A Little Romance [2.11]**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_2&action=edit&section=6)****]**

**Gertrud**: (to Ed after he paid seventeen hundred dollars for Oz in a date auction.) You know you could've had him for free.

### Fogged In [2.12]**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_2&action=edit&section=7)****]**

_[Oz enters his room where SOPHIA is recording her own version of "The Locomotion"]_

**Oz**: What are you doing?

**SOPHIA**: _The Locomotion_.

_[Oz looks closely at the tape]_

**Oz**: Where'd you get this tape?

**SOPHIA**: It was in there.

**Oz**: Oh, no. _[rewinds the tape]_ Please, tell me you didn't tape over my _Casa de Pancakes_ jingle.

_[after he's finished rewinding, he plays the recording on the tape of "The Locomotion", then to the end of...]_

**Oz and Harvey**: _[on recording]_ _Casa de Pancakes_. OLE!

_[Oz disappointedly stops the tape]_

**Oz**: I can't believe it! It's gone! You guys destroyed it! Now I'm gonna hafta do the whole thing over again.

**Jim**: What happened?

**Oz**: Aw, they messed up my jingle tape. Harvey's goin' away. I'm gonna hafta do this whole thing over again.

**Jim**: Don'tcha think you're overreacting?

**Oz**: Overreacting? You think I'm overreacting?! I'm not overreacting! Okay?! I had this all worked out! I spent the whole night doin' it! Now my whole life is ruined! Okay. Now, I'm overreacting.

**Jim**: Penguin, ya lost your temper again. Huh?

**Oz**: Well, she shouldn't be in here-- _[sighs]_ Ah, I'm just tired. I lost my cool. I did come down on her pretty hard. Didn't I? She'll be okay?

**Jim**: I think you better straighten this out.

**Oz**: Yeah. All right. I know just how to handle this.

**Jim**: Good. Oz?

**Oz**: Huh?

**Jim**: D'you need a hug?

**Oz**: Haven't I been through enough?

### Little Shop of Sweaters [2.14]**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_2&action=edit&section=8)****]**

### Pal Harvey [2.15]**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_2&action=edit&section=9)****]**

**Young Oz**: Hey! One at a time!

**Butch**: There's the kid who was picking on me!

**Mr. Maroni**: That's it, I'm calling your parents!

**Young Harvey**: But...

**Young Jim**: Wait, Miss Borland. That boy's lying, Harvey has been a perfect angel.

**Butch**: Gordon's the liar!

**Mr. Maroni**: That's not possible! James Gordon's never been into trouble a day in his life. Let's you and I visit the principal, Butch.

**Young Harvey**: Thanks man, you saved my life!

**Young Jim**: You saved me first.

### Baby Love [2.16]**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_2&action=edit&section=10)****]**

**Ed**: Dustin? You would name our child Dustin?

**Oz**: Yeah, you got a better name?

**Ed**: I sure do... Emily.

**Oz**: No son of ours is gonna be named Emily.

**Ed**: Our daughter's name is Emily. Our son's name is Prescott.

**Oz**: Prescott? Might as well name him Emily. Our son is gonna be called Dustin.

**Ed**: Prescott.

**Oz**: Dustin!

**Ed**: Prescott!

**Oz**: Dust... When did we have a kid?

**Ed**: Well, we better get going. You don't wanna miss your plane.

**Alfred**: You're right, it might accidentally take off on time. Come on, Bruce, wake up. It's time to go.

**Ivy**: Bruce, no go.

**Jim**: Bruce, yes go. Bruce go back home.

**Ivy**: Me go.

**Jim**: _[imitates an Indian]_ No, little Kemo Sabe. No can go to Nebraska. Take many moons.

### El Problema Grande de SOPHIA [2.17]**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_2&action=edit&section=11)****]**

**Linda**: Hasta luego.

**Jim**: Ah... El Pollo Loco!

**SOPHIA**: Dad, you got to do something; listen to my report card. It's so unfair! A-A-A-A-A-A...

**Harvey**: How dare they! This is an outrage!

**SOPHIA**: Listen to my Spanish grade-D

**Jim**: A D in Spanish?

**Harvey**: Que pasa?

**SOPHIA**: Huh?

### I'm There For You, Babe [2.20]**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_2&action=edit&section=12)****]**

**SOPHIA**: You have the brain of a paramecium.

**Selina**: If I have the brain of a paramecium, then you have the brain of just one mecium.

**SOPHIA**: (to Oz) There really is no way to beat her, is there?

### Gordon's Island [3.1]**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_3&action=edit&section=2)****]**

_[while Jim runs after the runaway boat, Oz follows him]_

**Ed**: Oz, you'll never catch that boat!

**Oz**: I don't wanna catch the boat. I wanna catch Jim!

### Back To School Blues [3.2]**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_3&action=edit&section=3)****]**

**Harvey**: _[upon seeing Oz move like Elvis Presley]_ Oz, Elvis never made one golf movie.

### Nerd For A Day**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_3&action=edit&section=5)****]**

**Jim**: Harvey, let's go! We're gonna be late!

**Harvey**: Jim, what is the big rush?

**Jim**: Harvey, you know I always leave the house at exactly 7:48. Now, thanks to you, I'm already two minutes late.

**Harvey**: What are you talking about? We are right on time.

**Jim**: Harvey. That's a barometer.

**Harvey**: Well, in that case, we'd better get moving. There's a hurricane brewing.

### Granny Tanny**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_3&action=edit&section=6)****]**

**Oz**: Who let you outta your crib?

**Ivy**: I let me out.

**Oz**: You mean you climbed over the bars and jumped down all by yourself?

**Ivy**: You got it, dude.

**Oz**: Jail break!

### Star Search**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_3&action=edit&section=7)****]**

**Oz**: Bullock, you've been in toon-town for 2 days. Now, start acting like a human being.

### And They Call It Puppy Love**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_3&action=edit&section=8)****]**

_[Harvey reads from the tabloids]_

**Harvey**: Listen to this, Ivy. "Psychic struck by lightning". If he was any good, he'd have seen that coming.

### Divorce Court**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_3&action=edit&section=9)****]**

**Ed**: _[whilst Oz, Jim and Harvey race]_ For those of you at home who think you're watching a slow-motion replay, do not be fooled. They are actually moving at this speed.

### Dr. Dare Rides Again**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_3&action=edit&section=10)****]**

**Oz**: (in an old video from '83, when Oz does the dare of his life) The doctor is about to operate!

**Gabe**: Aren't you a little overdramatic there?

**Oz**: Not if I die.

**Oz**: Hey, look, I was dared, so I'm gonna do it.

**Boy next to him**: Not without a kiss for luck first.

**Oz**: Have mercy.

**Gabe**: _[so annoyed by their good-luck kiss, covers the camera lens with his right hand]_ Aw, don't waste tape on this. This is disgusting!

### The Greatest Birthday on Earth**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_3&action=edit&section=11)****]**

**Jim**: Harvey, what is an elephant doing in my living room?

**JoJo**: Surprise, Cleano!

_[the elephant catches JoJo's briefs with his trunk]_

**JoJo**: The surprise is on JoJo. She got my underwear!

**Jim**: I got a great cake.

**Harvey**: Did ya get the triple chocolate with pink frosting in the shape of a clown's face with a big cherry-red nose? Did ya, did ya, DID YA?

**Jim**: Yes, Harvey. Look at this. _[shows Harvey the cake]_

**Harvey**: Yes!

### Aftershocks**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_3&action=edit&section=12)****]**

### Harvey & Stacy and... Oh, Yeah, Oz**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_3&action=edit&section=13)****]**

**Harvey**: [Right after kissing Fish] Ay chihuahua!

**Oz**: Ay chihuahua?

**Harvey**: I could've said, "Have mercy!" but it felt more like an, "Ay chihuahua!"

### No More Mr. Dumb Guy**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_3&action=edit&section=14)****]**

### Misadventures in Baby-Sitting**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_3&action=edit&section=15)****]**

### Lust in the Dust**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_3&action=edit&section=16)****]**

### Bye Bye, Birdie**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_3&action=edit&section=17)****]**

**Ivy**: Hi, Dave, you're a pretty bird!

**Alfred**: Ready for a story boys and girls?

**Ivy**: Come on, it's story time!

**Bruce**: Miss Petrie, Dave flew out the window, Ivy did it.

**Alfred**: Well, it was just an accident, I'm sure Ivy didn't mean to do it.

**Ivy**: I'm sorry, I'm a bad girl!

**Bruce**: A very bad girl!

### 13 Candles**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_3&action=edit&section=18)****]**

**Selina**: [alarm clock goes off] What time is it?

**SOPHIA**: It's 3:47. I was born on this day at exactly 3:48.

**Selina**: You have an excellent memory.

**SOPHIA**: (gets out of bed and looks at watch) 3, 2, 1, yes. (looks in mirror) I am now officially a teenager.

**Selina**: Well, pin a rose on your nose!

**SOPHIA**: I gotta rest up for my party tonight. Oh, and don't forget, you're not invited.

**Selina**: I liked you better when you were a kid.

**SOPHIA**: Well, those days are over. You are now sharing a room with a sophisticated, mature young woman. (gets into bed) I'M 13! (bounces in bed)

**Zsasz**: SOPHIA, what are you doing dancing with Frankie Carbone? You should be dancing with Gregor Kasyanov.

**SOPHIA**: I would, but Gregor didn't ask me.

**Zsasz**: Then ask him. It's very simple, watch. (Turns to Saviano) Hey, Saviano, you wanna dance?

**Saviano**: Sure, why not?

**Zsasz**: Maybe later. I'm busy.

  * **Jake & Zsasz**(after they kiss): Whoa, baby!

### Mr. Egghead**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_3&action=edit&section=19)****]**

**Ivy**: Harvey broke Selina's nose.

**Jim**: _[to Harvey]_ You broke Selina's nose?!

### Those Better Not Be Those Days**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_3&action=edit&section=20)****]**

_(Jim, Oz and Harvey look into the future and see that Selina, SOPHIA and Ivy are adults and still living at home)_

**Adult Zsasz**: (Walks in) Hola, Gordonitos!

**Oz**: Victor Zsasz! Oh, my God!

**Adult Zsasz**: Eat your hearts out, boys. (Smirks) Too bad you weren't nicer to me when I was a kid.

_(afterwards)_

**Oz**: That was so depressing.

**Harvey**: Yeah. Can you imagine the girls still living here?

**Oz**: No, not that - my **hair**.

### Honey, I Broke The House**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_3&action=edit&section=21)****]**

(when there was a car in the kitchen)

**Ivy**: There's a car in the kitchen!

**SOPHIA & Zsasz**: WHOA BABY!!

**SOPHIA**: There's a car in the kitchen!

**Ivy**: I told you so.

**SOPHIA**: Ivy, do you know how Harvey's car got in here?

**Ivy**: Yes, I do!

**SOPHIA**: How?

**Ivy**: Through the window!

**Jim**: Harvey, are you all right? You had us worried sick!

**Harvey**: Jim, I'm fine.

**Jim**: In that case, you're in big trouble, mister!

**Selina**: I dru--- I dru--- I dru---

**Ed**: You dropped something? Did something break?

_(Harvey leans on car, sobbing.)_

**Ivy:** Don't cry. Be a big boy.

**Ivy:** There's a car in the kitchen!

### Just Say No Way**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_3&action=edit&section=22)****]**

### Three Men and Another Baby**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_3&action=edit&section=23)****]**

**Oz**: (about the baby they're watching) You see cute, I see smelly diapers.

### Fraternity Reunion**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_3&action=edit&section=24)****]**

_(after the TV fell off the banister)_

**Jim**: What? Why? How? Who?!

**Ivy**: Daddy's a girl.

**Selina**: No, he's a woman.

**Zsasz**: An ugly woman.

### Our Very First Telethon**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_3&action=edit&section=25)****]**

**Jim**: I close my eyes for two seconds and it's a Victor Zsasz telethon.

**Harvey**: Jim, you've been out for four hours.

**Jim**: (checks his watch) Four hours. Why didn't anyone wake me? Oh no, I'm ruined, I ruined the telethon, my career is over...

**Ed**: Jim, we're still on the air.

**Jim**: (to camera) That concludes the dramatic portion of our show.

### Greek Week**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_4&action=edit&section=2)****]**

**Papouli**: _[talks about a traditional wedding from his town]_ He gives her the flowers, they dance around the table and... that's what it's all about.

**Jim**: That's not a wedding. That's the Hokey-Pokey.

**Harvey**: _[after Ed at the party breaks a plate like a true partying Greek]_ Now it's a Greek party! OPA!!!

_[he throws a plate down to the floor, and it breaks]_

**Everyone else**: OPA!!!

_[they all do the same thing]_

### Crimes and Ivy's Demeanor**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_4&action=edit&section=3)****]**

**Ivy**: Can we watch Arsenio?

**Jim**: What do you think?

**Ivy**: I think it's time for bed.

**Jim**: That's right. It's time for bed. To bed, I said.

**Ivy**: Daddy, am I still your little princess?

**Jim**: Oh, you got it, dude.

**Jim**: _[after reading Dr. Seuss, Ivy refuses to go to sleep]_ Don't shake your head. Your story's read. It's time for bed. To bed, I said.

**Oz**: Gotta lay off that Seuss, man.

### The I.Q. Man**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_4&action=edit&section=4)****]**

**Harvey**: [to Mr. Penn about Oz] This man is not a hamburger, and I am not a side of fries, and you, sir, are a... Chicken McNugget!

**Oz**: Harvey, are you gonna quit or order a Happy Meal?

### Slumber Party**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_4&action=edit&section=5)****]**

_[after catching Ivy and Jim dancing to "Shake Your Booty"]_

**Oz**: Now I know why disco died.

**Oz**: _[reads paper]_ Ed Nygma, award-winning journalist and host of 'Wake Up, Gotham' to wed... "Holstein Cobblepot"?

**Jim**: Holstein Cobblepot. Sounds like a Hungarian cow.

### Good News, Bad News**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_4&action=edit&section=6)****]**

**Jim and Ed**: Wake up, Gotham!

**Jim**: Hi. I'm the perky Jim Gordon.

**Ed**: And I'm the stiff Ed Nygma. And starting next week, you'll be seeing a new and improved "Wake Up, Gotham."

**Jim**: It's warmer.

**Ed**: It's friendlier.

**Jim**: So, let our happy home...

**Ed**: ...be a part of your happy home.

**Jim**: Get yourself comfortable.

**Ed**: Grab yourself a cup of coffee.

**Jim**: And a Pop Tart. And join us every morning at 9:00 as we say...

**Jim and Ed**: Wake Up, Gotham! [they clink their mugs, but they end up breaking]

### A Pinch For A Pinch**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_4&action=edit&section=7)****]**

**Ivy**: Uncle Oz, Bruce stole my camel!

**Oz**: That's not right, take his cookie. If somebody does this to you, do it back.

**Bruce**: Hey, you stole my elephant!

**Ivy**: It's in my tummy now. _[laughs tauntingly]_

**Ivy**: I saw lions and tigers and bears.

**Jim**: Oh my.

### Viva Las Harvey**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_4&action=edit&section=8)****]**

**Ivy**: _[having heard the big news]_ Harvey's opening a fig newton in Vegas....and the chimps have lice.

**Selina**: I think you're a little mixed up.

**Ivy**: I'm a lot mixed up.

### Shape Up**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_4&action=edit&section=9)****]**

**Ivy**: _[to a bodybuilder]_ Hey, mister, you are very lumpy.

**Oz**: I hope you're not offended. But if you are, that's her father over there.

**Ivy**: Let's pig out!

**Jim**: Now, now, Ivy, you're not being very polite.

**Ivy**: I'm sorry. Let's pig out, please.

### One Last Kiss**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_4&action=edit&section=10)****]**

**Oz**: [about Charles] Harv, you should've seen him. He had the most incredible hypnotic eyes, the face of an angel, the most amazing body. He was okay.

### Terror in Gordon Town**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_4&action=edit&section=11)****]**

**Martin**: [signing] You're okay, Mr. Gordon.

**Jim**: Hey. Call me Jim. [hugs Martin]

**Martin**: [signs] You're a real touchy-feely sorta guy, aren't you, Jim?

**Jim**: You'll get used to it.

**Jim**: [to Martin] Pranks are one thing, but when you mess with a man's shampoo, you're messing with the man.

**Jim**: Okay, guys, listen up. I like Lee a lot, and she and I really hit it off, so no pressure, but I just want today to be the best day she's ever had.

**Oz**: So let her in.

### Secret Admirer**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_4&action=edit&section=12)****]**

**Lee**: Hi, Cat. Uh, your dad wants some air freshener.

**Selina**: In the backyard?

**Lee**: Yeah, he says the backyard doesn't smell woodsy enough.

**Edward the Dog**: [in his mind] Gee, I hope somebody drops a hamburger.

### Jim in Charge**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_4&action=edit&section=13)****]**

**Jim**: [to Ivy] First, I'm gonna take you to preschool. And then I'm going to go to work, and then do the marketing, clean the house, send Tabitha Galavan a get-well card, and still have time to put a hot dinner on the table. Impossible, you say? For the average father, yes. But not for me, because I am Super Dad!

### Happy New Year**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_4&action=edit&section=14)****]**

**Jim**: _[surprised after seeing Selina kiss Martin wildly]_ Whoa! Selina, where'd you learn to do that? [scene shows Oz kissing Ed]

**Ed**: Well, you can't miss the big party down at the station.

**Harvey**: Why? Is... uh, Jim gonna be "Baby New Year" again?

**Jim**: Not after that wicked diaper rash I got last year.

### Working Girl**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_4&action=edit&section=15)****]**

**Ivy**: [to Selina] May I have that cupcake, please?

**Selina**: No, you may not.

**Ivy**: But I was polite, and I said please.

**Selina**: I was polite, too. I said, "no, you may not."

**Ivy**: [takes off her badge] Guess what? Politeness Week is over! [grabs Selina's cupcake and runs off]

**Selina**: How rude! [chases after Ivy]

### Ol' Brown Eyes**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_4&action=edit&section=16)****]**

### Selina Gets Framed**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_4&action=edit&section=17)****]**

**Oz**: Gabe... Gabe, Gabe-o. I can't help but notice that you walk like you still have the hanger in your shirt.

**Gabe**: Oh, well, thank you.

**Oz**: You're welcome. Gabe, I'd like to help you because, uh, quite frankly, you need help. See, when you're walking, you gotta kinda be loose, man, like let it be cool. (starts to slowly bounce) That's it. Loosen up, be very fluid. Be very fluid-y. That's it! Now... once you get it going, you shift the weight and you go. (starts walking) And it's a strut, and it's cool, and it's a strut, and it's cool. See? Like that?

**Gabe**: Very inspiring. (tries to walk, but instead of a strut, he walks sideways on his toes bouncing highly)

**Oz**: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, uh, that's close.

**Gabe**: Really? Well, oh. Well, that was a walk on the wild side. But, you should try it with your elbows out. It's much better for circulation.

**Oz**: Oh, really? Like this? (sticks elbow out)

**Gabe**: Yeah. (Oz starts to walk) You're doing fine!

**Oz**: You, know? I do feel the blood flowing better.

**Gabe**: Yeah.

**Oz**: It's very - WHAT AM I DOING?

**Gabe**: Well, here's another fun way to kill time. Let's share a life story. I'll go first. I was born on a cold night in Chicago, 1976, the year of America's bicenntinal. My mom was in a great deal of pain and I was charging through! And -

**Oz**: Uh, I think I hear the girls in the kitchen. Why, don't you just go and... yeah. Right in the kitchen area.

**Gabe**: Thanks! _[enters the kitchen]_ Oh, ladies?

_[He, Oz, and Sophia shout inside the kitchen]_

### A Fish Called Martin**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_4&action=edit&section=18)****]**

**SOPHIA**: (getting ready to square dance) I hate to get technical but we formed a triangle.

**Oz**: It will be much more square when my parents get here.

**Ed**: You ain't kidding.

**Oz**: What?

**Ed**: Oh, I said... I'll do your bidding.

**Oz**: That's all I ask.

### The Wedding (1)**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_4&action=edit&section=19)****]**

**Oz**: [as he gets stuck in a tree after skydiving] Help! Help! Eddie, I'm coming! Don't marry Harvey!!

**Ed**: [to Harvey] You took him skydiving?! Well, where is he? What if something happened to him?!

**Harvey**: Oh, don't worry. He said if anything happens I should marry you myself.

**Ed**: Mom! [cries in Gertrud’s arms]

**Oz**: This is the last hour of my life as a single guy. Pretty soon, I'm gonna be married, I'm gonna have a family with all the responsibilities. I mean, what am I gonna do then? Jump out of a station wagon?

**Harvey**: Well, you could. Your chute might not open in time.

### The Wedding (2)**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_4&action=edit&section=20)****]**

**Selina**: The Making of a Wedding, the saga continues. The groom is now 25 minutes late, and here's the man who let him jump out of a plane on his wedding day, Harvey Bullock. Harvey, how do you feel right now?

**Harvey**: Sad, hurt, angry, bitter, scared, used, and I'm pretty hungry. I forgot to eat breakfast.

**Selina**: Poor Harvey, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. And here's Becky with her loving family. Any words for Uncle Oz?

**Ed**: Darling, I just hope you're all right. But if you are all right, I'll kill you.

**Ivy**: _[as the flower girl]_ Stop the wedding!

**Jim**: Ivy, what's wrong?

**Ivy**: I ran out of flowers. I'm sorry.

**Jim**: Ivy, it's not your fault you ran outta flowers. The problem is the church is much too long.

### Fuller House**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_4&action=edit&section=21)****]**

**Ivy**: [to Oz] I'm gonna miss you.

**Oz**: I'm gonna miss you too, pal. But we have to put on our bravest faces now. So let me see your brave face. Can you smile for me? [Ivy forces a small smile] That a girl. All right, now that we've got this whole bravery thing down, I want you to give me the biggest, most gigantic, most greatest hug you ever gave me in the whole entire world. Ready? Go! Hug, hug, hug, hug, hug, hug! [they hug and kiss, Oz settles Ivy on his lap) That a girl.

**Ivy**: This is a good-bye present.

**Oz**: Ivy, it's your pig. Are you sure?

**Ivy**: Yes, I'm sure.

**Oz**: Well, in that case, here. I want you to have this. This is my pink bunny. I want you to put it up on the wall, and whenever you look at it, you can think of me, okay?

**Ivy**: You got it, dude.

**Oz**: [kisses Ivy and sets her down on the bed; gets up to leave and looks back at her] Good-bye, Ivy.

**Ivy**: Good-bye, Uncle Oz.

[He leaves Ivy's room; they both cry silently]

**Oz**: [to Ivy] All right! We're spending the night! Did you hear that, buddy?

**Ivy**: We could have a pajama party.

**Harvey**: Great. Should I wear my Ninjas or my California Raisins?

### The Hole-in-the-Wall Gang**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_4&action=edit&section=22)****]**

**Harvey**: You know, Penguin, I could handle a lot more responsibility. Even Pat lets Vanna spin the wheel once in awhile.

### Selina Plays the Field**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_4&action=edit&section=23)****]**

**Ivy**: Uncle Oz locked me out.

**Harvey**: Now, why would Uncle Oz do something like that?

**Ivy**: I don't know. I'm a fun girl.

**Harvey**: Well, I'm just guessing, Ivy, but I think Uncle Oz and Aunt Becky just want some privacy.

**Ivy**: What is privacy?

**Harvey**: Well, privacy means that they just wanna spend some time together. Just the two of them.

**Ivy**: What are they doing in there?

**Harvey**: Well, they're um... They're doing their taxes.

**Ivy**: Are they gonna do their taxes every night?

**Harvey**: For the first couple of months.

**Martin**: [when Selina throws a baseball] Whoa! This babe's got an arm!

**Jim**: Hey! My daughter is not a babe. She does have an arm.

**Jim**: Now, what are we gonna call that pitch of yours?

**Martin**: The Gordon Twister. This Saturday, we're gonna kill the Cubs!

**Selina**: Yeah! We're gonna destroy 'em! We're gonna cream 'em! We are going to make the Cubs eat dust! I love being a jock.

**Harvey**: Once again, a reminder: family members are prohibited from coming onto the field and embarrassing themselves and their loved ones.

### Harvey Goes Hollywood**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_4&action=edit&section=24)****]**

**Ivy**: Excuse me. Are you Annette "Funny-Cello?"

**Annette Funicello**: Something like that.

### Girls Just Wanna Have Fun**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_4&action=edit&section=25)****]**

**Jim**: Becky, do you know something I don't?

**Ed**: Yes, I do. The gestation period of an elephant is 22 months.

**Jim**: Actually, I knew that.

### The Graduates**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_4&action=edit&section=26)****]**

[As Jim and Kirsten get ready to go out on their date]

**Harvey**: [imitates Walter Brennan] Ah, well, you kids run along now, and, by gosh, have fun. And, by golly, don't stay out too late.

**Kirsten**: Hey! Great Ronald Reagan.

**Jim**: That's Walter Brennan.

### Rock the Cradle**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Full_House/Season_4&action=edit&section=27)****]**

[Ed is trying to break the news of her pregnancy to Oz via "Win, Lose, or Draw" by drawing a picture of a baby in a blanket]

**Oz**: They’re having... a hot dog!

**Ed**: No!

**Oz**: What? It's clearly a bun with a weenie sticking out with a happy face.

**Ed**: No, Penguin. It's not "They’re having a hot dog", it's "They’re having a baby", and the "they" is us! We’re having a baby!!

**Oz**: Ivy, what are you doing up?

**Ivy**: I didn't get to say good night to Big Bird.

**Ed**: Big Bird?

**Oz**: That's our baby.

**Ed**: You named our baby "Big Bird"?

**Oz**: Yeah, just until we find out if it is a girl or a boy or a nine-foot yellow Muppet.


	6. Source: iCarly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6: Barbara and her sassy best bud Oz host a homegrown web show produced by Barbara's tech savvy friend Ed, iBabs, straight from a makeshift third-floor loft studio. Barbara lives with her twenty-something brother/guardian Zsasz.

###  _iSaw Him First_**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=ICarly_\(season_2\)&action=edit&section=1)****]**

**Barbara**: Did you feel his arm muscles?

**Oz:** No.

**Barbara**: Oh. Well, they're large.

**Oz:** You didn't feel his arm muscles!

**Barbara**: _[speaking very fast]_ Yes, I did, too! He told me that he can beat his dad in arm wrestling, and I said, "No way," and he said, "Oh, no, it's true," and I said, "Wow, you must be really strong," and he said, "Well, I work out a little bit," and I said, "Really?" And he said, "Yeah, you wanna feel my biceps?" And I said, "Sure, I do," and so I felt them, and they felt awesome.

**Barbara**: I have a date with Jim tonight!

**Oz:** Obviously!

**Barbara**: What's that supposed to mean?

**Oz:** Why don't you ask your new helping bra?!

**Barbara**: _(gasps)_ That's it! I'm out of here! _(Barbara walks out, walks back in)_ This is my house!

_(Oz walks out)_

**Barbara**: _(defensively)_ There's nothing wrong with a little help.

**Oz:** [to Barbara] Wouldn't it be easier to just write "I'm desperate" on your forehead?

###  _iStage an Intervention_**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=ICarly_\(season_2\)&action=edit&section=2)****]**

**Ed**: _[picks up plastic bag]_ What's this?

**Zsasz**: Bag of dog hair.

**Ed**: Whoa! _[drops bag]_

**Barbara**: Where'd you get a bag of dog hair?

**Zsasz**: I stopped by that pet grooming place down the street.

**Barbara**: Shampoodles?

**Zsasz**: Uh-huh.

**Barbara**: Hey, I thought you were Ed.

**Oz:** If anyone else said that to me, I'd punch them in the mouth.

**Oz:** My mom told me I couldn't go out unless my room was clean, so I locked the door, snuck out the window, and took a bus here... Got any meat?

**Ed**: This has nothing to do with Consuela!

**Barbara**: Yes, it does! And I'm not leaving this room until you-- _(sparks come out of the computer)_ AH! I'm going downstairs! _(she runs, the computer sparks again, she screams and she goes out the door)_

**Ed**: Barbara... _(sparks come out again)_ AHHHH!

**Oz:** Jim Gordon is so gorgeous.

**Barbara**: Why does he have to be a senior? A hot, hot senior?

**Zsasz**: I did what you said. I shaved, I took a shower, I mailed that movie back to Webflix, I-

_[The [elevator](http://wikipapers.referata.com/wiki/Elevator) opens to reveal Sasha Striker]_

**Zsasz**: Who's the girl in the sexy purple tank top?

**Sasha**: I hear you're really good. So why _don't_ you beat me?

**Zsasz**: Oh, you don't think I can, do you?

**Sasha**: I know you can't. But I like a challenge.

**Zsasz**: You know, I feel scared and attracted to you at the same time.

**Oz:** Are you guys gonna make out, or play some Pak-Rat?

**Oz:** STOP WATCHING THE VIDEO GAME CHANNEL, YA BIG BUNCH OF LOSERS! YOU'RE WASTING YOUR LIVES! GET A JOB, KISS A GIRL, DO SOMETHING! _(to the news reporter)_ No offense.

**Sasha**: Nice game.

**Zsasz**: Thanks. Back atcha.

**Sasha**: You wanna go for a ride?

**Zsasz**: I would love to. _[sees Barbara, Oz, and Ed looking at him]_ But, this is all I can give you right now. _[kisses Sasha]_

**Sasha**: _[steps on the [elevator](http://wikipapers.referata.com/wiki/Elevator)]_ Call me.

**Zsasz**: We'll see.

_(Barbara is sleeping on the Pak-Rat machine after having played it all night)_

**Zsasz**: Barbara? Babs? Hey?

**Barbara**: _(sleepy)_ Hmmmmmm?

**Zsasz**: Did you play Pak-Rat all night?

**Barbara**: Mm-hmm. It's so fun.

**Zsasz**: Yeah. Alright, kiddo. Go on up to bed.

**Barbara**: Carry me. _(he does)_ It's such a fun game.

**Zsasz**: I know.

**Oz:** Oh, man. I got another of those chain letter e-mails from Jerome.

**Barbara**: Well, you better forward it, or you'll have all kinds of bad luck, just like Ed did.

**Oz:** Ed didn't have any bad luck.

**Barbara**: What are you talking about?

**Oz:** I did all that stuff.

**Barbara**: What? Wait. His bike falling apart?

**Oz:** I loosened some bolts.

**Barbara**: His laptop smoking?

**Oz:** Shorted out the battery.

**Barbara**: The pink shorts?

**Oz:** One red sock in his washing machine.

**Barbara**: Okay, what about the spider on his face?

**Oz:** That was just lucky.

**Ed**: Hey.

**Barbara**: Hi. I gotta tell you something.

**Ed**: You're gonna tell me that there was no bad luck? That Oz did all that stuff to me?

**Barbara**: How'd you know?

**Ed**: Well, I didn't know when it was my pink shorts and my laptop, _but_ I saw him loosening the bolts on my bike.

**Barbara**: But I thought your bike fell apart while you were riding it?

**Ed**: _Nope._ I just pretended on that one.

**Barbara**: So, you're not gonna try to get him back?

**Ed**: You mean, do something devious, like send him a fake text message that looked like it came from Jim Gordon, telling him to meet him at the Crown Ridge Mall?

**Barbara**: _[chuckles in disbelief]_ I didn't know you could be so bad.

###  _iOwe You_**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=ICarly_\(season_2\)&action=edit&section=3)****]**

**Ed**: You squished my trackpad finger!

**Barbara**: That's not something a cool person says.

**Ed**: I don't care! _[to Oz]_ So are you gonna pay us back or what?

**Oz:** I was until I realized how much it'd be.

**Barbara**: How much do you have?

**Oz:** Let's see. _[reaches into pocket]_ I've got... 14 bucks... a double A battery... some string, a fork, and... I think that's an olive.

**Barbara**: The olive's moving.

**Ed**: Are you having some kind of lip seizure?

**Barbara**: I'm trying to blend coconut lip gloss and pineapple lip gloss to create a Piña Colada flavor. _[rubs lips together]_ I realize this isn't attractive.

**Ed**: Actually, it kinda is. So, does it taste like Piña Colada?

**Barbara**: You wanna find out?

**Ed**: Yes!

**Barbara**: _(reading a text message)_ "Oz did nothing wrong. He didn't do the thing you're mad about. He’s not that kind of... bof."

**Principal Barnes**: Bof?

**Oz:** _Boy!_

**Barbara**: Well, you wrote boy!

**Zsasz**: **_BARBARA! BARBARA, COME DOWN HERE! BARBARA! BARBARA!_**

**Barbara**: Zsasz, it's 6:00 in the morning.

**Zsasz**: I know, but I've got big news!

**Barbara**: I can't take you seriously when you're wearing duck pajama pants. _(Zsasz pulls down his pants)_ Duck _boxers?_

**Ed**: ...But wait. The fudge balls aren't free.

**Barbara**: No, but when you subtract the cost of the fudge balls from the money our fans sent us, we still make $541 in profit. And Zsasz wins the bike for the little sunshine girl.

**Ed**: ...But wait. What do we do with the money?

**Barbara**: Well, we get to keep $541, and Oz owes us $526, so we give Oz the $526, and then he can pay us back and quit his stupid job.

**Ed**: ...But wait.

**Barbara**: Stop saying "But wait"!

**Ed**: Oswald’s not gonna take the money from us.

**Barbara**: Why wouldn't he?

**Ed**: It's a pride thing. It's why he won't quit his job. If we just give him the money, he won't feel like he really paid us back.

**Barbara**: Yeah. Okay, how about this?

**Ed**: Yeah?

**Barbara**: We find some adult that Oz doesn't know.

**Ed**: Okay.

**Barbara**: And we give him the $526 and then he gives the money to Oz as a tip at the restaurant.

**Ed**: That's brilliant.

**Barbara**: Isn't it?

**Ed**: ...But wait.

**Barbara**: **_WHAT?!_**

**Ed**: That leaves an extra $15.

**Barbara**: Yeah, $5 for me, $5 for Oz and $5 for you; Go nuts!

###  _iHurt Theo_**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=ICarly_\(season_2\)&action=edit&section=4)****]**

**Zsasz**: _[looking at his ribs in the form of a necklace]_ You ate my ribs?

**Oz:** I made the bones into a necklace! _[Zsasz lifts the bones out of the Styrofoam to see he did just that]_

**Ed**: Morning, all. Check me out.

**Barbara**: What?

**Ed**: _[lifts up shirt]_ No belt. And look-- _[lifts up of pants]_ Open-toed shoes.

**Oz:**_ [sarcastically]_ Wow, you're an animal.

**Barbara**: But I thought your mom always makes you wear a belt, and never lets you wear open-toed shoes.

**Ed**: Yeah, but since she's been taking care of Theo, I can pretty much do whatever I want. Last night? Slept with my socks on.

**Oz:** So?

**Ed**: _Just_ my socks.

**Oz:** _[crunchy cheese snack pieces fall out of his mouth in shock]_

_[Zsasz spills his soda on the bell to put out a small fire he caused after he fixed it. Mrs. Nygma walks in]_

**Mrs. Nygma**: Hello, Zsasz.

**Zsasz**: Hi, Mrs. Nygma.

**Mrs. Nygma**: Any word on how Theo's doing?

**Zsasz**: I've got the kids keeping an eye on him.

**Mrs. Nygma**: Well, I think it's very nice that you're covering for Theo while he's out. _[Mrs. Nygma puts her hand on the desk]_ Why is this counter wet and sticky?

**Zsasz**: Oh, well--

_[stammers]_

**Mrs. Nygma**: Wet and sticky is very icky. Sticky and wet makes mommy upset.

**Zsasz**: I don't know how to respond to that.

_[the CB radio makes noise]_

**CB Radio**: --come back.

**Mrs. Nygma**: What is that?

**Zsasz**: Oh, it's an old C.B. Radio. I found it back there with Theo's stuff. I just plugged it in and it works great.

**Mrs. Nygma**: A C.B. Radio. Like the kind that truck drivers used to talk to each other?

**Zsasz**: Yeah, you wanna try?

**Mrs. Nygma**: No!

**Zsasz**: Oh, come on. It's really fun. All you do is just press this-- _[Mrs. Nygma interrupts him]_

**Mrs. Nygma**: I don't like wireless transceivers. _[She walks upstairs]_

**Zsasz**: Hello, all you truckers out there. This is the doorman looking for someone to jaw with. _[Rock N' Rodney replies back]_

**Rodney**: Hey, hey there, doorman! You got Rock N' Rodney on this end, come on back.

**Zsasz**: Well, hey, there Rock N' Rodney. I'm new to the CB Radio world and I was just-- _[suddenly the fire he put out came back and he puts down the speaker] _**HOW?!**

**Ed**: **_PUT, THE BOWS, DOWN._**

**Barbara**: What's up?

**Oz:** Why do we have to--

**Ed**: You were right! You guys were right, okay?! My mom, she... she likes Theo. **_DAAAARGHHH!!_**

**Oz:** Aw, well, maybe she'll--

**Ed**: _[angrily exploding]_ **_NO JOKES, COBBLEPOT; THIS IS SERIOUS CHIZZ!_**

**Barbara**: Okay. Easy on the language.

**Ed**: I can't!

**Oz:** Nygma--

**Ed**: _[angrily]_ **_HOW CAN I CALM DOWN WHEN THERE'S A POSSIBILITY THEO COULD BECOME MY DADDY?!_**

**Oz:** Dude, we can fix this chizz.

**Ed**: How?

**Barbara**: Okay, think. What's the most important thing in the world to your mom?

**Ed**: Um, I don't know, soap?

**Barbara**: You.

**Oz:** You're her whole world.

**Ed**: Was. Now she's spending every minute she can with Theo.

**Barbara**: Yes. Because he got hurt. Which brought out her motherly instincts.

**Ed**: So?

**Oz:** So... what if _you_ got hurt?

**Ed**: Yeah. **_What?_**

**Theo**: THIS AIN'T TOMATO JUICE!

**Barbara**: Then, what is it?

**Theo**: ...Uh, nothing.

###  _iGo To Japan_**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=ICarly_\(season_2\)&action=edit&section=5)****]**

**Barbara**: Wait, so when do we perform?

_[Crowd laughs]_

**Barbara**: And why was that funny?

_[crowd laughs]_

**Host**: You already won.

**Barbara**: Wait, what?

**Host**: The winners for best web comedy show is: iBabs!

_[Crowd goes berserk]_

###  _iPie_**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=ICarly_\(season_2\)&action=edit&section=6)****]**

**Zsasz**: Hey, guys, come on.

**Barbara**: Where?

**Zsasz**: Mooney's pie shop!

**Barbara**: Pie for breakfast?

**Zsasz**: No, no, don't say "Pie for breakfast?", say **_"PIE FOR BREAKFAST?!"_**

**Zsasz**: I gotta have some coconut cream pies to go.

**Mario**: Eiiiy! I got to see if we have enough.

**Zsasz**: What? You always have enough! Why would you say you don't have enough? Now I'm scared. What?

**Ed**: _[after trying to entertain the baby with a bear costume]_ I thought I heard you guys out here.

**Barbara**: Ed? Is that you in there?

**Ed**: Yeah. It's me...

**Oz:** Oh my god, the bear ate Ed. Bad bear! _[hits a baseball bat on Ed in the head, and Ed goes down]_

**Ed**: Ahhh! Never do that again!

**Oz:** You're not the boss of me. _[hits Ed again]_

**Alvarez**: What do you say we move this party to the couch?

**Zsasz**: Uhhhhh..... the couch is broken.

**Alvarez**: Well, why don't we go break it some more!

**Alvarez**: I wanna be an actor, you know like in movies and junk.

###  _iChristmas_**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=ICarly_\(season_2\)&action=edit&section=7)****]**

**Barbara**: Mitch! Mitch! Mitch! Mitch!

**Mitch**: Wow, you say, "Mitch" a lot!

**Oz:** Barbara Kean?

**Barbara**: Hi.

**Oz:** What do you want?

**Barbara**: It's my fault you're in here.

**Oz:** YOU'RE the one who called the cops?! Dude, I swear to god when I get out of here...

**Barbara:** No, you're in here 'cause I wished for Zsasz to be normal.

**Oz:** Who's Zsasz?

**Barbara**: My brother. He made a magnetic tree that...

**Oz:** Dude, I barely know you.

**Barbara:** You know me a lot. We were best friends 'till I made that stupid wish.

**Oz:** We were never friends. Just 'cause we used to go to the same school, that doesn't make you...

**Barbara**: Okay. If we're not best friends, then, how would I know that you've slept with two different colored socks on your feet since you were little 'cause you think it's good luck? And how would I know that you're right-handed, but you punch harder with your left? And how would I know that your mom's foot has a tattoo on it?

**Oz:** A tattoo of what?

**Barbara**: A foot.

**Oz:** How do you know my mom has a tattoo of a foot on her foot? How do you know all that stuff?

**Barbara**: I told you, we're best friends.

**Oz:** What's my favorite color?

**Barbara**: Brown.

**Oz:** Why?

**Barbara**: It's the color of gravy.

**Oz:** What's my favorite junk food?

**Barbara**: Fat cakes.

**Oz:** What's my favorite book?

**Barbara**: Boogie Bear III: The Return of Boogie Bear.

**Oz:** What do I hate most?

**Barbara**: People.

**Oz:** What do I wanna be when I grow up?

**Barbara**: An invisible ninja.

**Oz:** ...Wow...

**Harvey**: Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! La-de-da-li-de-dah!

**Mrs. Nygma:** Hello, Harvey.

**Harvey:** Good evening, Mrs. Nygma.

**Zsasz**: Barbara, I think you better calm down.

**Barbara**: I don't want to calm down!

**Liza**: She's crazy.

**Barbara**: I heard that, Liza!

**Mrs. Nygma**: Can I get you some ibuprofen?

**Barbara**: NO! _(to Zsasz)_ I just want you back! I want you the way you're supposed to be! I want you to make crazy sculptures, and to accidentally set stuff on fire, and to wear socks that light up. _(to Mrs. Nygma)_ And I want you to be single and lonely again! _(to Harvey)_ And I want you to leave the country... _(to Liza)_ And...nobody even likes you! _(to Zsasz)_ And... I want Oz back! _(to Ed)_ And I want you to be my friend and say "in five, four, three, two," but not the one, which I never understood, but I liked it! And... I just want my life back! _(runs upstairs crying)_

**Harvey**: Well. Bah, humbug.

**Ed:** Oh, there you are. Hey, did you check out that video I sent the guy can fit a whole grapefruit... Hey. Hey, are you crying?

**Barbara:** Just leave me alone.

**Barbara**: Thanks, Mitch.

**Mitch**: Thank _you_.

**Barbara**: Why thank me?

**Mitch**: 'Cause, if it wasn't for you, I would have never gotten my wings. _(the computer screen shifts down to show a plate of chicken wings)_

**Barbara**: ..._Chicken_ wings?

**Mitch:** Merry Christmas, Barbara.

**Barbara:** Merry Christmas, Mitch.

###  _iKiss_**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=ICarly_\(season_2\)&action=edit&section=8)****]**

**Barbara**: You handcuffed him to Jerome?!

**Ed**: She put a dead fish in my locker!

**Oz:** Jerome's _WAY_ worse than a dead fish!

**Jerome**: My mom thinks I'm awesome!

**Jerome**: _[screams and runs away after being handcuffed to Oz for an extended period of time]_

**Barbara**: Like Jerome's therapist didn't have enough to deal with!

_[On iBabs, a fake movie trailer is being shown that the kids filmed]_

**Announcer:** A comedy no one wants to see! _Kelly Cooper: Terrible Movie!_

_[Barbara, as Kelly, falls off stool and screams]_

**Announcer:** It's really bad!

**Oz:** _[after Ed shows himself to the audience]_ That was Ed, who, last week, handcuffed me to a nerd. So guess what?... _[pause]_ Ed's never kissed anyone. Never. Not once. I heard him say so myself and Barbara's a witness. Okay, Later. _[walks away]_

**Barbara**: _[running after Oz]_ Oz! OSWALD! YOU JUST RUINED ED'S LIFE! _[Ed drops the camera he is holding.]_

**Oz:** Well, how can I do the show now that you made me feel all depressed?

**Barbara**: I don't know, just get in front of the camera and do it.

_(Jerome throws coffee in Zsasz's face)_

**Zsasz**: What was that about?!

**Jerome**: Well, Barbara said, "If Zsasz tries to be lazy, throw a cup of water in his face to perk him up."

**Zsasz**: Right. Well, **_THAT WAS HOT COFFEE!_**

**Jerome**: Oh, well can I have a cup of water?

**Zsasz**: **NO!**

**Mr. Penn**: The important thing is to be proud of yourself. You need to face the world with shoulders cocked, and say, **_"I AM ED NYGMA, AND I HAVE NEVER KISSED ANYONE!"_** _(other students start laughing)_ Hey, there! Stop that! Stop laughing at this unfortunate misfit!

**Barbara**: You are gonna start with building up some muscle.

**Zsasz**: I have muscle.

**Barbara**: Do you?

**Zsasz**: Yes.

**Barbara**: Then take off your shirt and jump up and down.

**Zsasz**: I don't wanna.

**Barbara**: Why not?

**Zsasz**: 'Cause I'll jiggle.

**Oz:** Hey, sorry I'm late!

**Barbara**: _[filling the bowl with meatballs without looking up]_ You're always late.

**Oz:** So? It's cool. The show doesn't start for 3 more minutes. Where's Ed-weird?

**Barbara**: Ed's not coming.

**Oz:** _What?_ Okay, he stayed home from school all week, he missed two _iBabs_ rehearsals, and now he's gonna miss the show? That's so unprofessional. _[takes a bite out of a meatball and puts it back]_

**Barbara**: You really hurt him. Every time he leaves the house, he gets teased cause you told the whole world he's never kissed anyone. You know he won't even talk to his mom? He just sits on the fire escape, alone, 'cause he's too embarrassed to see anyone. _[walks over to Ed's tech cart]_ You, like, ruined his whole life, and you don't even care.

**Oz:** Alright. I'll go apologize.

**Barbara**: It doesn't even matter if you apologize. Kids are still gonna give him a hard time, 'cause you can't take back what you said.

**Oz:** Look, I didn't m--

**Barbara**: _[interrupts Ed]_ You went too far this time! And you can't fix it. _[phone beeps]_ We gotta start the show.

**Oz:** _[depressed]_ Well how can I do the show now that you made me feel all depressed?

**Barbara**: I dunno just get in front of the camera and do it. In 5-4-3-2--

_[on iBabs]_

**Barbara**: And now, what you've all been waiting for...

**Oz:** Barbara and I are about to have our very first...

**Barbara and Oz:** **_MEATBALL WAR!_**

**Oz:** We got our slingshots.

**Barbara**: And a hundred meatballs!

**Oz:** But, um... before we start our meatball war... I wanna say something. _[stops music]_ On the last _iBabs..._ I told you guys that Ed never kissed anyone. And that was really personal, and I shouldn't say it on the show. And for all you people out there who's been teasing Ed about it, lay off, because I bet a whole lot of you haven't kissed anyone either; Including me. Yeah. That's right, I've never kissed anyone. So if you want to tease someone about it, tease me...which is a bad idea unless you live near a hospital!

**Ed**: _[makes short laughing type noise]_

**Oz:** What?

**Ed**: Nothing it's--

**Oz:** Tell me!

**Ed**: Nah, it's dumb.

**Oz:** Say it!

**Ed**: Okay. I was gonna say...

**Oz:** That _we_ should kiss?

**Ed**: _[looking down in embarrassment]_ You're going to break my arm now, right?

**Oz:** _[shakes head]_ No.

**Ed**: Well...should we? Just so both of us can get it over with?

**Oz:** Hm. Just to get it over with.

**Ed**: Just to get it over with.

**Oz:** And you swear we both go right back to hating each other as soon as it's over with.

**Ed**: Oh, totally, and we never tell anyone.

**Oz:** Never. _[pause]_ Well, lean.

_[Ed sighs, then he and Oz kiss]_

**Ed**: Well, that was..

**Oz:** Nice.

**Ed**: Yeah, nice, uh.

**Oz:** Good work.

**Ed**: Thank you. You, too.

_[Oz turns around to leave]_

**Ed**: Hey. _[Oz turns back around. Ed smiles]_ I hate you.

**Oz:** _[Makes short laugh noise. Smiles]_ Hate you, too. _[Leaves]_

_[Oz grabs Ed by the collar]_

**Oz:** I don't play to get even. _[jerks Ed towards him]_ Papa plays to win.

###  _iGive Away a Car_**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=ICarly_\(season_2\)&action=edit&section=9)****]**

**Zsasz**: Okay, you're lying. What makes you lie?

**Ed**: I'm not lying.

**Zsasz**: Yeah, you are. Feel like a big boy, telling your big boy lies?

**Ed**: Zsasz!

**Zsasz**: Yes, little Larry Lies-a-Lot?

**Barbara**: Are you ready, Harvey?

**Harvey**: _[sarcastically]_ Yes, my heart is pounding.

**Oz:** Good, maybe it'll explode.

**Harvey**: I didn't come here to be insulted.

**Barbara**: _(Interrupting Ed)_ Wait a minute... why do you have that printed out?

**Harvey**: Because I like to print things.

**Ed**: No... you'd only print that out if you knew you were gonna need it.

**Oz:** Yeah. How did you know there was gonna be a problem getting you the car?

**Harvey**: Oh, please. I don't have time to be interviewed.

**Barbara**: Okay, so where's our couch?

**Zsasz**: YOU KNOW THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN COUCHES, OKAY?!

**Barbara**: What?

**Zsasz**: I don't know...

**Harvey**: I suspected as much. I figured you iBabss would try and pull a fast one!

**Oz:** Who still says "pull a fast one"?

**Barbara**: What's wrong with you, Harvey?! Why is your lifelong dream to get rid of iBabs?!

**Harvey**: It's not. My lifelong dream is to open my own [haberdashery](http://wikipapers.referata.com/wiki/Haberdasher).

**Ed**: What is a haberdashery?

**Harvey**: Oh, why does EVERYONE ask that?! _(he starts to walk off, but goes back to them and talks fast)_ ...A haberdashery is a men's retail shop that sells men's accessories such as wallets, hats, buttons, belts, ribbons, and zippers!

**Zsasz:** ...I know that look. That's your thinking look.

**Oz**: Oh, I'm thinking. You thinking?

**Zsasz:** Yeah, I'm thinking we think of the same thing?

**Oz**: We are, if we're thinking about a way to give Harvey a vehicle that's never been state registered and can go 25 miles an hour.

**Zsasz:** Oh... no. I was thinking about fried chicken.

**Harvey**: What, and you think that rolling space turd will get iBabs off the hook?

**Barbara**: Yeah.

**Oz:** We think it will. _(to Barbara)_ Barbara, would you say this vehicle is... unique?

**Barbara**: Oh, it is clearly unique. _(to Ed)_ Ed, has it ever been state registered?

**Ed**: Why, no, Barbara, it hasn't.

**Barbara**: You think he hit 25 miles an hour?

**Zsasz**: Oh, yeah.

**Mr. Bullock**: You can't do that kind of damage to a flower shop unless you doing at _least_ 25\. _(an ambulance can be heard off screen)_

**Oz:** Where'd you guys get those ice pops?

**Zsasz**: Over there.

###  _iRocked the Vote_**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=ICarly_\(season_2\)&action=edit&section=10)****]**

**Barbara**: Ed, be quiet. Oz, stop licking technology!

**Zsasz**: I think someone broke your yo-yo.

**Barbara**: I think you need to go downstairs.

**Barbara**: You've gotta get a girlfriend or boyfriend or something.

**Ed**: I know. ...Um--

**Barbara**: No.

**Ed**: Yep.

**Barbara**: Aww, his mother needs surgery.

**Zsasz**: _[deadpan]_ She's not gettin' it now.

**David Archuleta**: Should we tell them what room?

**Barbara**: I don't think we should

**David**: _[pleased]_ Room 513.

**Barbara**: That's room 5-1-3! _[holds up fingers for each number]_

**Barbara**: _[about Zsasz]_ He's a terrible liar. One time we--

**Zsasz**: Don't tell the story!

**Barbara**: I'm telling the story! One time we were going to ride roller-coasters on a school day, and when Zsasz came to get me, he told Ms. Essen he was taking me to the doctor. So Ms. Essen says "Which one?" and Zsasz said...

**Zsasz**: _[meekly]_ Dr. Roller-coaster.

**Barbara**: And guess what I didn't get to ride that day.

_[Barbara arrives in the elevator wearing a silver dress]_

**Barbara**: Hey, do you think this dress is a little too..."saucy"?

**Ed**: It's a music video. You have to look hotter than you usually do.

**Barbara**: Why, thank you.

**Ed**: I don't wanna do this anymore.

**Barbara**: We have to! His mom needs surgery, and if it weren't for us, he'd have a big record deal, and lots of money, and stop drooling over those girls!

**Wade Collins**: You are all a bunch of hob-knockers!

**Barbara**: Hob-knockers?

**Wade**: I'm going downstairs to get some yah-gurt.

**Barbara**: [Yah-gurt](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yogurt)?

**Ed**: Um, We're in the middle of shooting YOUR music video!

**Wade**: No, you're all busy worshiping that filthy little beast! _[disgusted]_ Ugh! Why are all Americans such **_idiots?!_** _[slams door]_

**Zsasz**: I thought we were hob-knockers.

_[after Wade Collins' music video for "Cry Like a Lion" is shown; Ed applauds respectfully]_

**Barbara**: Wow. You made Wade look awesome.

**Oz:** Good video, Edison.

**Ed**: Thanks. It was hard to find shots of the guy **_not_** shouting at me and calling me an _[British accent]_ **_untalented hobknocker!_**

**Barbara**: What is a hobknocker? _[Ed whispers the meaning of hobknocker into Barbara's ear]_ _[disgusted gasp]_ That's gross!

**Ed**: And illegal.

**Oz:** So, Dave, what was it like hanging it out with Wade Collins?

**David Archuleta**: Oh, you know, he's... okay.

**Barbara**: You don't like him, do you?

**David**: Not really, no.

**Oz:** Let it out, David.

**David**: Well, he called me a hobknocker. I don't even know what that means.

_[Barbara whispers the meaning of hobknocker into David's ear]_

**David**: _[disgusted]_ Oh, gross!

**Oz:** And illegal.

**Barbara**: The important thing is we all agree that Wade Collins is horrible.

**Oz:** But just in case you don't believe me, Barbara, or David--

**Barbara**: Please enjoy this little video Ed put together. Ed, roll the video.

**Ed**: Happy to, Barbara.

**Wade Collins**: _[in a YouTube Poop-style video]_ I wanted tuna fish! _[knocks the plate of ham sandwich out of Barbara's hand, edited to do it three times]_

** _Scene 2_ **

_[Wade hocks and spits onto the floor]_

** _Scene 3_ **

**Wade Collins**: _[screen is flashing all different colors]_ I've got a pimple in my ear.

** _Scene 4_ **

**Wade Collins**: _[Jerome is blow-drying his hair]_ Too hot-hot-hot!

**Jerome**: I'm sorry! _[Wade takes the hairdryer, aims it at Jerome, and blows it in his face, causing him to run off]_

** _Scene 5_ **

**Wade Collins**: _[screen flashes negative]_ You're a stupid American, Ed. Stupid American.

** _Scene 6_ **

_[Wade spits again]_

** _Scene 7_ **

_[Wade rudely sneezes on Jerome]_

** _Scene 8_ **

**Wade Collins**: _[walks by several music video-dressed girls]_ You're all a bunch of stupid American girls, you bunch of hobknockers!

** _Scene 9_ **

**Wade Collins**: _[angrily screaming]_ **_I DON'T CARE ABOUT MUSIC! I WANT MONEY!_** _[screen turns green, echoing **"MONEY!"**]_

** _Scene 10_ **

_[Wade spits again]_

** _Scene 11_ **

**Wade Collins**: _[rudely screams at a homeless bystander outside]_ **_HOB-HOB-HOBKNOCKER!_**

** _Scene 12_ **

**Wade Collins**: _[eating spaghetti]_ I have to look beautiful! Jibley!

** _Scene 13_ **

_[Wade growls at the camera]_

** _Scene 14_ **

**Wade Collins**: I hate _children,_ I hate _teenagers,_ I hate _animals,_ **_AND I HATE AMERICA!_**

###  _iMeet Fred_**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=ICarly_\(season_2\)&action=edit&section=11)****]**

**Ed**: I stopped wearing antibacterial underpants and I'm entitled to my opinion.

**Barbara**: And it's my opinion that we're out of time anyway!

**Oz:** So 'till the next iBabs...

**Barbara**: Stay in school!

**Oz:** Recycle!

**Barbara**: Pour milk on your parents.

**Oz:** Hug a duck.

**Barbara**: Eat a stick of butter.

**Oz:** And shampoo a squirrel.

**FЯED**: Hey it's FЯED. Look at my cabbage! Why can't it speak Spanish? _Muchacho!_ Ohh! My stomach feels queasy. **_Shut up, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!!!_**

**Zsasz**: Will my phone ring in the next five seconds? _[shakes the Magic Meatball]_

**Magic Meatball**: The answer is no. _[Oz laughs lightly]_

**Zsasz**: _[waits for 5 seconds; nothing happens]_ Spooky, huh?

**FЯED**: Hey, it's me. If you saw the last iBabs, then you heard Ed Nygma say he doesn't like my FЯED videos.

**Ed**: _[on playback)_ 'Cause I don't think FЯED is all that funny.

**FЯED**: Thank you for crushing my feelings. Now, I'm not gonna post any more FЯED videos. Ever, again. Internet, I click you goodbye. _[displays "Goodbye From FЯED"]_

**Oz:** _[angrily]_ You see what you did? You killed FЯED! _[hurts Ed]_

**Ed**: _[screams in pain]_ I just gave my honest opinion!

**Ed**: Why are you drinking ketchup?

**Zsasz**: My magic meatball told me to. I'm tired, I'm gonna go take a nap.

_[the camera switches to the school, Ed looks at two girls who are angry at him and wearing I _ _❤_ _️ FЯED shirts]_

**Ed**: Oh. I see you girls are fans of FЯED. Heh. _[the girls look at each other and pushed him down]_ Oh dear. Guys, guys would you- oh. Aah! Yeah, thank you. _[FЯED fans pass by and boo and throw stuff at him]_

**FЯED fans**: BOO!!!

**Ed**: Oh, come on, guys. It's not my fault! _[more FЯED fans pass by and a boy throws a thing at his head]_ Oh! _[shouts angrily]_ **All right, who threw this at my head?! Who threw this low fat fat cake at my head?! Huh?!** _[nobody answers]_ **Well, I'm keeping it!** **Ah!** _[he walks to his locker and opens it while the Mathletes follow him. He looks at them and are angry at him.]_ What's up guys?

**Tom**: We just had an emergency meeting of the Mathletes.

**Ed**: Oh. Well, how come I wasn't invited?

**Arnold**: _[furiously explodes]_ **CAUSE YOU KILLED FЯED!**

**Ed**: All I did was give my opinion!

**Arnold**: Well, your opinion stinks...

**Tom**: _[he calms down Arnold]_ EASY, Arnold. _[Arnold does calm down]_ I'm very sorry to say this, but the mathletes are subtracting you from the team.

**Ed**: What?! Come on, I'm our best long divider!!!

**Tom**: Then you should be able to handle this long division...

**Arnold**: **BETWEEN US AND YOU!!!**

_[they walk away and Ed sighs, however, Arnold come back and pushes him down real hard on the floor and felt the pain]_

**Oz:** Hey, Nygma. This FЯED thing is getting _way_ out of control!

**Barbara**: Kids keep booing and throwing stuff at us! _[Ed looks at them while on the floor]_

**Sam:** GET UP! _[he does]_ You just **_HAD_** to trash talk FЯED!!

**Ed**: I didn't trash talk him!!!

**Barbara**: It's not Ed's fault, he just gave his opinion.

**Ed**: Yeah! And, anyway it's not like...

_[two boys holding a spray paint run around and laugh making the kids confused]_

_[there is a red spray paint writing on the lockers that says "iBabs KILLED FЯED!"]_

**Oz:** (to Ed) Uh-oh, check it out.

_[they all walked to the lockers]_

**Barbara**: _[angrily]_ Ugh! Why are they blaming our whole show?! It's all Ed's fault!

**Ed**: Hey!

**Barbara**: Well...

**Ed**: Well, it's way worse for me! I've been kicked out of everything except the junior bow and arrow club. _[a fiery arrow hits a locker near him, and he takes a letter off of it]_ I'm out.

**Barbara**: _[on playback]_ No, Ed was just expressing his opinion!

**Stu**: Do you agree with Ed's opinion?

**Barbara**: Get out of here! _[she slams the door on paparazzi]_

**Ed**: This whole thing is getting insane.

**Oz:** Did you check and see if the FЯED guy answered your e-mail?

**Barbara**: I check every 10 minutes! Why won't he write back?!

**Ed**: _[angry]_ 'Cause he's a jerk!

**Oz:** You're the queen of the jerks!

**Ed**: Why pick on me?

**Oz:** Two reasons. Number one, I **_love_** it. Number two, this whole fight between iBabs and FЯED is **YOUR FAULT!**

**Ed**: _[furiously explodes]_ **I just said I didn't think his videos were funny! He's the one who overreacted and started this whole brouhaha!**

**Oz:** "Brouhaha"?

**Barbara**: You can't say things like "Brouhaha", and not expect people to hit you. _(her phone beeps)_ FЯED wrote back!

**Ed**: _[on the phone; angrily]_ Because, I just don't see what's funny about FЯED. Well, it's not my fault he quit! Hey, you don't have to call me names. Oh, yeah? **WELL, YOU'RE A BIGGER ONE!** _(angrily hangs up)_

**Barbara**: Who was that?

**Ed**: My aunt Jennifer!

**Oz:** Who texted you?

**Barbara**: Jerome. He wants us to check out some website called "neverwatchiBabs.com".

**Oz:** Well, that can't be good.

**Barbara**: I know it can't be good! Ed.

**Ed**: Already on it. neverwatchiBabs.com.

**Barbara**: _[while she, Oz, and Ed check out neverwatchiBabs.com]_ Oh, man! Some guy started a whole website just to try to stop people from watching iBabs?

**Oz:** All 'cause you irritated FЯED! _[hurts Ed who screams in pain]_

**Barbara**: Okay, let's not panic. How many people have signed up to support him?

**Ed**: _[refreshing the website]_ Um, a few hundred.

**Oz:** Okay, that's not so many. _[Ed does it again]_

**Ed**: Wait, I just refreshed the page now it's up to 3,000.

**Barbara**: How many?!

**Ed**: Refreshing. _[he does it again]_ Yikes, 18,000.

**Oz:** Are you sure?!

**Ed**: Refreshing! _[he does it again]_ 90--

**Barbara**: _[interrupting Ed]_ Okay, why don't we stop refreshing?! Ugh! _[to Zsasz]_ Uh, what you got there?

**Zsasz**: A smoothie.

**Oz:** I think she meant the gigantic bird.

**Zsasz**: Oh. This is Martin, he's an ostrich. I just bought him.

**Barbara**: Your magic meatball told you to?

**Zsasz**: Yes. _[doorbell rings]_ Hey, would you get that? Marvin wants a root beer. We're gonna go in the kitchen.

**Devin**: _[paparazzi barges in Barbara's door forcing them to talk about what happened on the last iBabs show]_ Barbara! Any comment on the FЯED fight?!

**Barbara**: What?! It's not a fight!

**Devin**: But iBabs killed FЯED! Don't you feel guilty?

**Barbara**: No, Ed was just expressing his opinion!

**Stu**: Do you agree with his opinion?

**Devin**: Yeah! _[to Ed]_ Do you also think the FЯED videos are terrible?

**Ed**: I never said the FЯED videos are terrible!

**Devin**: Oz, is it true that you've been arrest 4 times?!

**Oz:** _3_ times! Get your facts right!

**Barbara**: And get out of here! _[as the reporters are talking, the group pushes them out, Ed shuts the door and Barbara puts in the latch]_

**Zsasz**: **_AAAAAH!_** Martin bit my pants!

**Oz:** He's chuckling.

**Barbara**: I see him chuckling; why are you chuckling?!

**Lucas**: Because you guys are cute.

**Ed**: We're _cute?_

**Lucas**: Yeah. I was never mad. I love iBabs.

**Oz:** But, you said that Ed hurt your feelings.

**Barbara**: And that's why you stopped making your FЯED videos.

**Lucas**: Come on! I'm not gonna stop making the FЯED videos.

**Barbara**: Okay, I get it. The real problem here is that **_YOU'RE INSANE!_**

**Lucas**: Am I?

**Barbara**: Um, pretty much, yeah.

**Ed**: Kind of psycho.

**Oz:** Yep.

**Lucas**: So... are we friends?

**Barbara**: I guess.

**Lucas**: You sure?

**Barbara**: Sure.

**Lucas**: Should we kiss?

**Barbara**: No.

**Lucas**: See? We made up.

**Ed**: We're all good.

**Oz:** Oh, come on, you guys can do better than that.

**Barbara**: Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! _[Oz chants with her. Ed and Lucas look at each other and hug. Ed pats him on the back]_

###  _iLook Alike_**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=ICarly_\(season_2\)&action=edit&section=12)****]**

**Zsasz**: _[after being sprayed in the face with purple spray paint]_ Can someone bring me a tissue?

**Barbara**: _[reacting to Zsasz saying no to her going to a MMA match]_ Okay, when did you suddenly turn uncool?!

**Zsasz**: Um, when did you turn into a big baby who yells at me the first time she doesn't get what she wants?

**Barbara**: Right when you stopped giving me what I want!

**Fake Oz:** Hey, when did Ed start looking so hot?

**Real Oz:** Okay, this dude is nothing like me!

**Real Barbara**: Oh, come on, you guys could be brothers!

**Real Oz:** _[to the fake Oz]_ You ever been arrested?

**Fake Oz:** No.

**Real Oz:** We cannot be related.

**Zsasz**: _[walking in on the fake iBabs cast]_ **_Holy similar!!!_**

**Zsasz**: _[on the couch, waking up after recovering from a brutal toss against a wall]_ Ugh... I mean it Barbara! You're grounded for two... two weeks! _[notices iBabs on the computer featuring Jackson Colt]_ Why is Jackson Colt dancing with a bra?

###  _iWant My Website Back_**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=ICarly_\(season_2\)&action=edit&section=13)****]**

**Zsasz**: The bunny has conflicting emotions!

_[Barbara and Ed look at the computer screen and scream in horror]_

**Barbara**: AHHH! It's Sophia!

**Ed**: Oh, it _is_ her!

**Barbara**: Of course it's her! Why would I say "it's her" if it wasn't her?! _Oh my God_, it's her!

**Zsasz**: Hey, what's up, Barbara and friends?

**Barbara**: Nothing!

**Oz:** Everything!

**Zsasz**: Oh. Well, that's not vague. What's the problem?

_(after Zsasz's disguise is revealed)_

**Zsasz**: Now you listen to me, Harvey. You better give my little sister her website back, or I SWEAR I WILL--

**Harvey**: YOU'LL WHAT?!

**Zsasz**: YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW WHAT I'LL DO!!!

**Harvey**: Nay, nay! You will have a pleasant attitude when you kiss me, or the deal's off.

**Barbara**: Okay... but you sign this first.

**Harvey**: No, you kiss me first.

**Barbara**: If I kiss you, how do I know you'll sign it afterwards?

**Harvey**: ...You don't trust me... Smart girl. Hand over the document. _(she gives him the document and he signs it)_

**Barbara**: _[to Zsasz]_ What size dress do you wear?

**Zsasz**: _[without missing a beat]_ Ten. Why?

**Barbara**: _iBabs_ has been hijacked by a psychotic she-duck!

**Zsasz**: _[pulling a package out of his grocery bag]_ Mexican sponges!

**Barbara**: What do you want?

**Harvey**: The same thing I wanted on the day we first met—a kiss. A kiss is what I seek—upon your lips, no, not your cheek!

**Barbara**: Okay, first of all, no one likes a rhymer.

**Sophia**: _[petting Zsasz's shirt]_ Nice bird...

**Zsasz**: Stop it!

**Zsasz**: _[pretending to be an old woman]_ I never knew you were such a handsome young boy!

**Harvey**: Oh, I blush!

**Barbara**: _(calling out from the window)_ THANKS, HARVEY!

**Harvey**: _(on the ground, facing them)_ **_YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, BARBARA KEAN! I DECLARE THAT YOU WILL RUE THIS DAY! YOU'LL RUE IT!_**

**Barbara**: Give me the guacamole. _(Ed and Zsasz give her a large pail of guacamole)_ RUE THIS, HARVEY!

**Harvey**: Wait, what is she... oh, no. _(the guacamole falls from the window and right on him)_

###  _iMake Oz Girlier_**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=ICarly_\(season_2\)&action=edit&section=14)****]**

**[Tabby](http://fliplinestudios.wikia.com/wiki/Wendy)**: And at some point during the slumber party, Oz took my bra, filled it with pudding, and stuck it in the freezer. Then in the morning she took it out and threatened to beat my brother with it unless he gave her his muffin.

**Jerome**: _(to Lee)_ Wanna dance?

**Lee**: Uh, no thanks?

**Jerome**: Why not? 'Cause I'm different? _(brief pause)_ ...Your loss, lady!

**Ed**: Oz, even though you CONSTANTLY cause me both PHYSICAL and EMOTIONAL pain _(rest of the party laughs)_ ...ha,ha, _not_ joking... I like to think of us as really close friends.

**Oz:** Apparently I haven't caused him ENOUGH emotional pain!

**Barbara**: If you wanna be all soft and girly, you gotta--

**Oz:** Don't say it!

**Barbara**: I'm just gonna say--

**Oz:** Don't!

**Barbara**: Okay, I won't say it.

**Oz:** Thanks.

**Barbara**: ...Panties.

**Oz:** Ahhhhhhhhhh!

**Jerome**: A couple years ago, I asked Oz to go with me to the Junior High dance.

**Everyone**: Awwww...

**Jerome**: So, he broke my thumb.

_(Oz puts a paper bag over Ed's face)_

**Barbara**: Oz?!

**Oz:** Well, how can I pretend to have a crush on Ed if I'm looking at his face?!

**Ed**: You know, I don't need this!

**Barbara**: Jerome, don't you want to put your vest back on?

**Jerome**: What are you, a cop?

**Zsasz**: Okay, fine! THAT'S IT! WE ARE OVER!

**Lee**: _(runs back to Zsasz)_ ...You do look cute in that tux.

**Zsasz**: I know. _(the two kiss)_

**Barbara**: Oz?

**Oz:** Yeah?

**Barbara**: Rip her head off!

###  _iGo Nuclear_**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=ICarly_\(season_2\)&action=edit&section=15)****]**

**Oz:** Can I be excused?

**Mr. Penn**: You need to go to the [restroom](http://wikipapers.referata.com/wiki/Restroom)?

**Oz:** No, I just hate this.

**Barbara**: _[screams and throws a worm at the ceiling]_ Aww, you stuck to the ceiling.

_(after Cal jumps out the glass door of the Groovy Smoothie and is pursued)_

**Mr. Penn**: You built... an illegal [nuclear powered](http://wikipapers.referata.com/wiki/Nuclear_power) [generator](http://wikipapers.referata.com/wiki/Electric_generator)?!

**Barbara**: Uh, sort of, maybe. ...But, I still get an A+, right? _(Henning shakes his head)_ A-? _(he shakes his head again)_ ...Root and Berry? _(he nods)_

**Barbara**: You think I'm pudgy.

**Zsasz**: I didn't say that.

**Barbara**: Maybe I should just leave the room before my skirt explodes!

**Zsasz**: I don't think that-- _[a worm falls on Zsasz's head]_ ...a worm fell on my head.

**Little kid**: Hey! Move, lady!

**Barbara**: I'm helping the environment!

**Little kid**: Stupid hippie!

**Barbara**: I'm a plant murderer! One day, they'll make a movie about me called The Plant Murderer!

**Zsasz**: _(seeing the plant Barbara accidentally killed)_ YOU'RE A PLANT MURDERER!

###  _iDate a Bad Boy_**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=ICarly_\(season_2\)&action=edit&section=16)****]**

**Ivy**: You want some bagels?

**Zsasz**: No, I just want a smoothie.

**Zsasz**: ...LET'S just recap. You STEAL my motorcycle. I DON'T have you arrested. I'm forced to wait an hour... for BAGELS I didn't even WANT! _(grabs the bag and shakes it)_ And then I come HOME to find you CHEWING on my sister's FACE!

**Jim**: We were kissing.

**Zsasz**: GUILTY!

**Barbara**: Well, Tabby and I were trying to study but Jim kept turning up the music, so Tabby got frustrated and left. Then I told Jim he was obnoxious and he said I should "run a sense of humor" and I said "Oh, really?" and then while I was telling him how I have needed to study I realized he's super-cute, and he asked me if I like music, so I go "Who doesn't like music?". So then I turned on some music and we started talking and then I realized he's really sweet, and fun and his face was right there in front of me so I leaned over and I kissed him! And I don't kiss like _(making kissing noises)_ I kiss like a princess!

**Zsasz**: You are grounded... for... till college.

**Barbara**: For till college?!

**Zsasz**: FOR TILL COLLEGE!!!!

**Barbara**: Why?!

**Zsasz**: For kissing that delinquent!

**Ivy**: Here's your smoothie.

**Oz:** Thanks. _(pays her)_

**Ivy**: You want some bagels with that? _[Winks]_

**Oz:** DON'T START WITH ME!

**Jim**: _[to Barbara]_ If I go to your apartment, your brother's gonna want to tase me.

**Oz:** Nah, I've been tased before...It's not so bad. _[with a dreamy look]_ It's actually kind of a rush...

**Ed**: But I'm better, right?

**Oz:** _[To Ed]_ Sure. _[Mouths to Barbara and Jim]_ NO!!!

**Barbara**: _[to Jim]_ Why don't you go steal something and go, "Duh, I stole something?"?

**Zsasz**: I may be an idiot... but I'm not stupid.

**Ed**: _[greeting Barbara & Sam]_ Buenos dias, muchacha-latas.

###  _iReunite with Charles_**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=ICarly_\(season_2\)&action=edit&section=17)****]**

_[Barbara and Charles squeal and hug repeatedly]_

**Oz:** Are you gonna do that every day?

**Barbara**: _[about Oz being paranoid]_ And last year you were sure Jerome was a mermaid.

**Oz:** He hates wearing shirts! Coincidence?

**Oz:** I feel like butt! _(coughs)_ Remember that time you dared me to lick the [swing set](http://wikipapers.referata.com/wiki/Swing_\(seat\))?

**Ed**: No, I said, "Oz, don't lick the swing set," and you said, "Don't tell me what to do, Nygma," and then you licked the swing set.

**Barbara**: _[about the expiration date of a box of chocolates]_ I can't read this. It's written in... foreign.

**Oz:** Well, I looked it up, it says 1992. That chocolate's older than the [Fresh Prince of Bel Air](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fresh_Prince_of_Bel_Air)!

**Barbara**: What are you doing?! _(swats a piece of Persian chocolate out of Oswald’s hand)_

**Oz:** Having a piece of Persian chocolate.

**Barbara**: You said it was a stomach bomb!

**Oz:** But it's _so good_. _(he tries to take another, but Barbara swats that out too)_

**Zsasz**: ...Why did I pick THAT for my ringtone?!

###  _iTake On Dingo_**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=ICarly_\(season_2\)&action=edit&section=18)****]**

**Oz:** Those dingo people are dead!

**Barbara**: What are we going to do?

**Oz:** We're gonna go find them and kick them in their Dingoes!

**Barbara**: Okay, next person who says bowels sleeps in the [bathtub](http://wikipapers.referata.com/wiki/Bathtub)!

**Hollywood**: BOWELS! I got the bathtub!

**Barbara**: No! No, no, no, no, no-no, no. _(she runs and closes the window shades)_

**Oz:** Okay, let's shake 'em up.

**Barbara**: What is that?

**Oz:** A sock full of [butter](http://wikipapers.referata.com/wiki/Butter).

**Barbara**: For what?

**Oz:** For swinging! I can brain an elephant with this thing!

**Barbara**: We're not gonna go in there and start hitting TV writers with a big buttery sock! We're gonna be professional and firm.

**Oz:** Fine, but if they deny stealing from iBabs, I'm gonna get swingy with this thing!

**Barbara**: Not unless I say it's okay.

**Zsasz**: Why else would you keep a cryogenic freezer like that?

**Ed**: Cryogenic [frozen pizzas](http://wikipapers.referata.com/wiki/Pizza#Preparation)?

**Oz:** May I get swingy?

**Barbara**: Yes.

_(Sam whacks a _Totally Teri_ writer with a sock filled with butter)_

###  _iMust Have Locker 239_**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=ICarly_\(season_2\)&action=edit&section=19)****]**

**Mr. Barnes**: Wearing a turtleneck is a violation of school rules.

**Barbara**: Oh, I can't wear a turtleneck, but he can be shirtless?

**Jerome**: Check the handbook. _(he gives it to Barbara)_

_[Everyone is standing in front of Locker 239]_

**Ed**: I could fit a whole editing bay in there...

**Oz:** You could fit a body in there...

_[Everyone looks at him oddly]_

**Oz:** If one needed to!

**Principal Barnes**: Yes, Jerome, you have a question.

**Jerome**: Yes. How many fat cakes are in that tank?

**Principal Barnes**: Oh, Jerome, there's so much not right about you.

**Principal Barnes**: Before I announce the winner, I feel compelled to tell you the worst guess, which was 5. _[holds up a piece of paper with Jerome's name and the number five on it]_

**Jerome**: I won?! I won! _[starts taking off his shirt]_

**Principal Barnes**: No, Jerome, you didn't win. In fact, your guess was so far off that we're calling your parents and having you tested.

**Jerome**: Again?

**Ed**: What did you do to my locker?!

**Oz:** MY locker.

**Ed**: OUR locker!

**Oz:** When did you turn into my wife?

**Zsasz**: You're overreacting!

**Barbara**: No, the head of security said, "You're never allowed back in this community center ever again"!

**Zsasz**: People forget!

**Barbara**: They took our pictures and thumbprints!

**Zsasz**: ...Yeah, they're never letting us back in there.

###  _iTwins_**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=ICarly_\(season_2\)&action=edit&section=20)****]**

_[during the iBabs webcast]_

**Oz:** I call this video "Gullible Ed." Check this out.

_[In the video, Ed walks into Gotham High dressed up as a clown. Everyone laughs]_

**Ed**: Hey! Why aren't you guys dressed as clowns?! _[Barbara and Oz burst out laughing]_

**Oz:** What do you mean?

**Ed**: I got an email from the school telling me that today was clown day. Didn't you guys get-- you guys sent me the email.

**Barbara**: _[points to Oz]_ He made me!

**Ed**: Wait, is this on camera? JEROME, COME HERE! _[screen goes to static]_

**Ed**: People care what I think!

**Mr. Barnes**: No, they don't.

**Ed**: Yes, sir...

**Ed**: Oz would rather chew broken glass then go out on a date with me for a whole Saturday night, no way she's going through with this!

**Barbara**: You asked _Abernathy._

**Ed**: OOOKAAAYYY. You can pretend I'm going on a date with Abernathy, but I _know_... I've got a date with Oz. _[chokes on smoothie and coughs it out]_

**Barbara**: What?!

**Ed**: I'VE GOT A DATE WITH OZ!

**Ivy**: You wanna buy a pickle?

**Ed**: _NO!_

**Ed**: So, _Abernathy_... you look pretty hot tonight.

**Abernathy**: Thanks! I love your shirt!

**Ed**: No, you don't. Barbara said you hate stripes!

**Abernathy**: Oswald hates stripes.

**Ed**: How long are you gonna keep this up?! _[pushes Abernathy on her shoulder]_ Just admit you're Oz and we can leave!

**Abernathy**: I would, ow... _[rubs her shoulder]_ ...but I'm not Oswald!

_[Ed and Abernathy are slow-dancing]_

**Ed**: I can't believe you're doing this.

**Abernathy**: Why? I like you!

**Ed**: You hate me; you always have!

**Abernathy**: Maybe Oz hates you.

**Ed**: You ARE Oz!

**Abernathy**: Really? Would Oz do this? _[kisses Ed on the lips]_

**Ed**: You swore we'd never do that again!

**Abernathy**: I didn't swear anything.

_[Ed becomes extremely paranoid and runs away; Abernathy chases him]_

**Oz:** How could you make out with Ed?

**Abernathy**: He's adorable!

**Barbara**: I can't believe you two are brothers.

**Oswald & Abernathy**: Me neither.

###  _iFight Shelby Marx_**[****[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=ICarly_\(season_2\)&action=edit&section=21)****]**

**Ed**: _[watching Shelby on TV]_ Okay, how do I get that girl to be my future wife?!

**Barbara**: I thought you wanted me to be your future wife.

**Ed**: Could that happen?

**Barbara**: Could not happen.

**[Tabby](http://wendy/)**: Barbara, you're seriously gonna fight Shelby Marx?

**Barbara**: Well, yeah, but it's just for fun...

**Oz:** Do you know how hard she can punch and kick? I heard that Shelby once knocked this Russian girl's head so hard she had to go to the hospital.

**[Tabby](http://fliplinestudios.wikia.com/wiki/Wendy)**: Poor Russian girl.

**Oz:** Yeah! And now she talks like blah, blah, blah, blah!

_(after Barbara is scolded by Shelby for pushing her grandmother)_

**Oz:** That was awesome! Shelby looks like she really wants to hurt you.

**Barbara**: SHE DOES!

**Oz:** Oh... well, that's bad.

**Ed**: You're making too big a deal out of this.

**Barbara**: No, I'm dead. Shelby Marx is gonna destroy me.

**Oz:** Barbara--

**Barbara**: Everyone said, "Oh, you should fight Shelby Marx." WELL IT'S NOT FUN NOW, IS IT?!?! No, now she is so angry she wants to kill me and wants to kick me and punch me in my head until I talk like BLUH BLUH BLUH BLUH BLUH!

**Oz:** Well, you shouldn't have been attacked her grandmother!

**Oz:** _(laughs)_ Ruckus...

**Barbara**: It's a _word_

**Barbara**: _(when she answers the door and sees Jerome)_ What, Jerome?!

**Jerome**: Why'd you push her grandmother?!

**Barbara**: I DIDN'T!

**Jerome**: But I saw the press conference and it looked to me like-- _(she starts to close the door on him)_ No, no, no, no, don't slam it-- _(she slams the door)_

**Oz:** Hey, do you guys think it'd be possible to give a guy in a garbage can a wedgie?

**Barbara and Ed**: Nah, not possible. Mm-mm.

**Oz:** Let's see.

**Jerome**: No. Oz, don't-- _(he does)_ YEOW! IT'S POSSIBLE! OW, IT'S POSSIBLE! IT'S VERY, VERY POSSIBLE! _(Oz stops briefly, looks at him and continues doing it)_

**Zsasz**: So how was school today?

**Barbara**: Bad. Everyone, even teachers, are annoying me every chance they get.

**Zsasz**: Aw. One sec. _(to Frankie, on his phone)_ Hey, Frankie! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BUDDY, BUDDY, BUDDY! _(to Barbara)_ Frankie and I always do that on each other's birthday.

**Zsasz**: So how was school today?

**Barbara**: Uh… bad. Everyone, even teachers, are annoying me every chance they get.

**Zsasz**: Aw. One sec. _(to Frankie, on his phone)_ Hey, Frankie! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BUDDY, BUDDY, BUDDY! _(to Barbara)_ Frankie and I always do that on each other's birthday.

**Barbara**: You do it twice?

**Zsasz**: No. So how was school today?

**Barbara**: Still bad...? About your allergy medication?

**Zsasz**: Uh-huh?

**Barbara**: Wasn't one of the possible side effects short term memory loss?

**Zsasz**: Yeah. ...So how was school today? _(Barbara stares blank)_

**Barbara**: I've gotta fix this.

**Ed**: How?

**Barbara**: I'm gonna fight Shelby.

**Ed**: You can't! You pushed her grandmother! She's gonna PUNCH you SO HARD!

**Barbara**: Maybe not if I hit her lightly.

**Zsasz**: So how was school today?

**Barbara**: IT BLEW UP, OKAY?!?!

**Oz**: I'm not a twig, I'm getting curvier every day!

**Ed**: I know. _[Staring at his body]_

**Oz**: Eyes up, dude.

**Ed**: _[to Shelby]_ I made you some raisin bread toast.

**Oz:** Oooh, this is pathetic!

**Shelby**: Sorry, raisins kinda creeps me out.

_[Eds uses his mouth to remove the raisins]_

**Ed**: There you go, raisin-free.

**Shelby**: You also creep me out...

_(while Shelby is fighting Barbara, thinking she meant to hurt her grandmother while fighting her)_

**Ed**: Are you dating anyone? _[Shelby looks at him, and Oz pulls him away so they can fight]_

**Shelby**: All I know is that some kid came into my gym and played me a video showing you guys at the press conference, talking about how were you gonna push my grandmother down.

**Oz:** What kid?

**Shelby**: I don't know! About that tall, our age, round head, and polite but super creepy.

**Barbara, Oz and Ed**: Harvey.

**Barbara**: Now I get it!

**Ed**: Harvey must have made a fake video!

**Oz:** That little nub.

**Barbara**: Maybe he's still here.

**Oz:** Go check it out!

**Ed**: Right! _(he and Jerome run off to find Harvey)_

**Barbara**: ...Harvey's head is kinda round.

**Oz:** Like a melon.

**Barbara**: Yeah.

_(after Ed drags Harvey into the ring)_

**Harvey**: Okay, Ed, I'm not scared of you.

**Ed**: That's cool. _(he shuts the door to the ring and locks it. A light appears that uncloaks Barbara)_

**Barbara**: Hello, Harvey.

**Harvey**: I'm not scared of you, either. _(after a bit of silence, another light appears that uncloaks Oz)_

**Oz:** 'Sup, Harvwad?

**Harvey**: Okay, _you_ I'm scared of.

**Barbara**: Just admit it.

**Harvey**: Admit what?

**Oz:** That you tricked Shelby Marx with the fake video.

**Barbara**: That made it look like I meant to hurt her grandmother.

**Harvey**: _(fakes a gasp)_ I did no such thing. _(Oz steps closer to him)_ Okay! I tricked Shelby! ...So? _(a light appears that uncloaks Shelby)_

**Shelby**: Hi, _Harvey_.

**Harvey**: Oh, dear. _[Barbara, Oz and Shelby start to close in on him]_ Oh, okay... what are you gonna do? Careful, my pants are very expensive. _[view cuts to outside the Seattle Super Center] **AAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!**_

_[Shelby appears on iBabs, and happily hugs Oz, then Barbara]_

**Ed**: Uh... no hug for the technical producer?

**Shelby**: Aw, come here, Ed. _[hugs him, too, and he turns the camera, making it show the two standing with each other]_

**Ed**: _[sniffs, and Shelby looks at him suspiciously then walks to Barbara and Oz]_ I'm sorry.


	7. Source: Ed Edd n Eddy

The Jim-Touchables[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ed,_Edd,_n_Eddy_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=1)]

**Oz**: You know what they say - a little childhood trauma builds character.

**Oz**: Hey guys! What's big, round, and costs a nickel?

**Jim and Ed**: Jawbreakers!

**Oz**: And away we go.

_[Selina and Gabe get in his way]_

**Selina**: Now just a rotten minute! I found my dolly... under my bed!

**Gabe**: It's true, and here she is, see?

**Ed**: _[holding up a pair of bunny slippers]_ Wait, Oz, you know the rules.

**Oz**: Aw, come on, Ed, not again.

_[Ed sees his magnifying glass is gone and squeals]_

**Ed**: _Ozzziieee_. Someone took my magnifying glass. I feel so violated.

Nagged To Jim[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ed,_Edd,_n_Eddy_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=2)]

_[The Boys are in the forest, only to hear echoes of some voices of some mysteriously haunting spooks that scare them]_

**Spooks** _[Off-screen]_: (giggling) Jim, Ed, n Oz - sittin in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g!

**Oz**: _[looking at the Kringles' artwork of them and the Boys]_ "Look! Artwork! It's Jim and Isabella'! How cute!"  
**Ed**: _[saw a picture with him with Kristen]_ "Is that me?"  
**Oz**: _[saw a picture of Lee and himself are married]_ "What the-? AAAAH! That's not funny!" _[crams picture into a ball]_

Over Your Jim[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ed,_Edd,_n_Eddy_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=3)]

**Oz**: "Ladies and gentlemen…"  
**Jim:** _[excited]_ "Ladies and gentlemen!"  
**Oz**: "Come buy our delicious…"  
**Jim:** "Come buy our deciduous…" _[normal voice]_ "Uh."  
**Oz**: "En-O-Gee Drink."  
**Jim:** "Hello!" _[Butch and Ivy walks by]_ "I'm the Sales-Ed."  
**Butch**: _[unimpressed]_ "En-O-Gee Drinks?!"  
**Jim:** _[breaks the sign down]_ "Here, try some."  
**Oz**: _[panicking]_ "Jim!" _[seeing the scam fall apart]_ "Jim!"

**Jim:** _[swatting flies]_ "Hey guys."  
**Oz**: "What is it, Jim?"  
**Jim:** "I say the cheese is always twice the fence post."  
**Oz**: _[giving Jim a dark look]_ "I wish I _had_ a fence post, Jim."

Pop Goes the Jim[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ed,_Edd,_n_Eddy_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=4)]

_[The boys are trying to mingle on different ends of the table]_

**Jim:** Hey, have you guys seen Attack of the Zombie Brain-Munchers?

**Ed**: The operation I saw involved fascinating new brain extraction techniques....

**Jim:** ...by hideous mutants with huge drooling mouths!

**Ed**: So precautions had to be taken to avoid contamination...

**Jim:** ...from popping eyeballs and swelling brains!

**Ed**: The incision was made _here_ to relieve the tremendous pressure.

**Jim:** But it was too late, his head exploded...

**Ed** ...with the slicing and cleaving, the gnashing and the severing...

**Both** _[Off-screen]_: ...bloody gory!

**Jim:** Aaaaaah! Oooooh! Eeeeeh! Aaaaaah!

**Oz**: Guys! GUYS! Stop talking shop! I said _"...mingle."_!

_[The Boys are hiding in the pool after their swimsuits snap off]_  
**Oz**: "Someone's coming! Act natural."  
_[The Boys splash in the pool, then Selina and Gabe arrive]_  
**Selina**: "Quit hogging the pool! It's our turn!"  
**Oz**: "No it isn't!"  
**Selina**: "Yes it is!"  
**Jim:** "We are not moving."  
**Selina**: "JIM! GET OUT!"  
**Oz**: "Hit the road!" _[splashes at Selina and Gabe]_ "Put an egg in your shoe and beat it!"  
**Gabe**: "Come on, Selina. Let's leave these guys alone."  
**Ed**: "Well, that was close."  
**Ivy**: _[Ivy then comes over]_ "Hi Jim, Ed and Oz. You boys look cool. Mind if I join you?"_ [a pause and the Boys swallowed hard]_  
**Oz**: "Uh, Jim's got three nipples like that bad guy in James Bond."  
**Ivy**: _[laughter]_ "You're funny." _[Ivy walks away]_  
**Jim:** "What third nipple? Show me where it is."  
**Oz** _[While pointing to one of Jim's nipples and pinches Jim's skin]_: "It's right here!"  
**Ed** _[points to the cake]_: "Look..."  
_[A large cake is taken over to the table, and Jim attempts to go over and get some]_  
**Oz**: _[whilst dragging Jim back into the pool]_ "Get down! Are you nuts?!?"

Sir Jim-a-Lot[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ed,_Edd,_n_Eddy_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=5)]

_[Ivy and Butch notice Oz and the car]_  
**Ivy**: "Wow, Oz, cool car!"  
**Butch**: _[whilst Oz closes the window]_ "Hey dork! Whose car is it, you twerp?!"  
_[Oz cranks up the volume on the car radio, causing both Ivy and Butch to run away]_

**Ed**: Hey, Oz. What are you doing?

**Oz**: Just buffing the wheels.

**Ed**: Whose car is this, Oz?

**Oz**: Beats me. Where's Jim?

**Selina**: _[angrily]_ "As I was saying, I AM THE QUEEN!"  
**Jim:** "And we are your "servants"!"

A Pinch To Grow an Jim[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ed,_Edd,_n_Eddy_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=6)]

**Oz**: Nice boots, Mr. Inventor Smarty Pa- _[is propelled into the garage ceiling and immediately falls back down in a daze]_ Nice pants, Mr. Smarty Boots Nice...  
**Ed**: "Careful, Oz, that button is very sensitive."

**Selina**: "Ed, what are you doing?"  
**Jim:** "Making Oz tall."  
**Selina**: "I'm telling mom!"  
**Gabe**: "I wanna be tall too!"  
**Selina**: "Come on, Gabe!"

Read All About Jim[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ed,_Edd,_n_Eddy_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=7)]

**Jim:** _[buried beneath a mountain of papers]_ "Hey look, my horoscope - 'New enterprise fails to meet expectations'. What's that mean?"

**Ed**: "Summer rains, you can never predict them."

Quick Shot Jim[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ed,_Edd,_n_Eddy_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=8)]

_[Barbara is in the park reading a book to Montoya]_

**Barbara**: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a ... _[startled]_ oh my!

**Oz**: Smile!

**Oz**: "AAAAAAH! Montoya's gone mad!"  
**The Boys**: _[screaming]_ "AAAAAAAH! Montoya's gone mad! AAAAAAAH!"

An Jim Too Many[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ed,_Edd,_n_Eddy_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=9)]

**Jim:** It sounds like the howl of a werewolf from the belly of Hades!

**Oz**: Get off me, Jim! That's _your_ belly!

**Jim:** _[stares at his rumbling stomach for a few seconds and chuckles]_ I'm hungry.

**Oz**: Let's go to my house and make some pizza!

**Ed**: I'll make the sauce!

**Jim:** I'll get in the way and make a big mess.

**Ed**: _[dreamily]_ "With good luck the daily chore of applying fabric softener would become a thing of the past!"

**Gabe**: _[feebly kicking Oz]_ Where is Selina?! I want Selina! I miss Selina! Give her back!

**Oz**: _[to Ed, ignoring Gabe]_ Let's get this over with...

Ed-n-Seek[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ed,_Edd,_n_Eddy_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=10)]

_[The Boys have the opportunity to hide in a game of Hide-n-Seek. Oz is heading over to his hiding spot with some food]_  
**Gabe**: "...81...82...83..."  
**Oz**: "...24...25...26..."  
**Gabe**: "...27...28...29..."  
_[Oz gets into a metallic bush, which is their hiding spot.]_  
**Oz**: "Ha! This is the best hiding spot!"  
**Jim:** _[with his mouth full]_ "We can stay here forever."  
**Ed**: "At the rate of your consumption, it may only be minutes."

_[Oz has an idea to get the kids to come out of their hiding spot]_

**Oz**: _[in a lady-like voice]_ "HELP ME! HELP! SOMEBODY STOLE MY PURSE! OH, SOMEBODY HELP!"

**Jim:** "Hmm." "MONTOYA! YOUR MOMMA'S CALLING!"

_[the camera zooms over to a bush and Montoya pops up]_

**Oz**: "They must be cheating."

Look Into My Boys[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ed,_Edd,_n_Eddy_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=11)]

**Jim:** "Look into [the circley thing](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Hypnotizing_Wheel&action=edit&redlink=1)!"  
**Zsasz**: "You crazy?!"  
**Jim:** _[turning to Oz]_ "It's not working, Oz!"  
**Oz**: "Spin it, bean dip!"  
**Jim:** "Thanks, Oz!"

**Lee**: "Look at me! I'm a movie star!"  
**Kristen**: "_I'm_ a _TV_ star!"  
**Isabella**: "You've been cancelled. _I'm_ a TV star."

Tag Yer Jim[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ed,_Edd,_n_Eddy_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=12)]

**Ed**: "Your techniques are incorrect, Oz. To extract milk from a cow, you must use its udder." _[all three of them stare at the cow's udder]_  
**Oz**: "I ain't touching that."

**Jim:** "Take me to your leader!" _[charges the Kringles]_  
**Oz**: "Give 'em the Burr-Head Bump, Jim!"  
**Jim:** "I can't Oz, my mom says I can't fight girls!"

Fool on the Jim[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ed,_Edd,_n_Eddy_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=13)]

**Jim:** Something smells good!

**Ed**: It is said that scent is a gateway to one's true inner essence.

**Oz**: Yes! I stink, therefore I am!

**Ed**: _[recoiling from the handwritten Prank Master card in Jim's hand]_ "He's such a horrible printer."  
**Jim:** "You hold it, Ed."  
**Ed**: "But I have no idea where it's been!"

A Boy and His Jim[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ed,_Edd,_n_Eddy_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=14)]

**Jim:** "Hmm... Butch's got a pretty fancy garage."  
**Ed**: _[referring to Butch's bathroom]_ "Must be a built-in car wash."  
**The Boys**: "Huh?"  
**Butch**: _[seeing the Boys in the bathtub with him naked and taking a bath]_ "What are you dorks doing in here?"

**Oz**: _[blows a klaxon, then chants]_ "Butch, Butch, he's our man!"  
**Ed**: "We can't do it-"  
**Oz**: "But Butch sure can!"  
_[Oz plays a bass drum six times, Jim bangs his head on trash can lids; Ed blows a noisemaker that makes the sound a cow makes. The drum rolls away as Jim brings two lids, with Oz in it]_  
**The Boys**: _[Jim moons, showing his butt with "CH" on his underwear, Oz is standing upright with the "B" painted on his front body, Ed holds a sign "UT"]_ "Raaaaaah, Butch!" _[ Ed realizes they spelled it as "BCHUT" and fixes it, then smiles.]_  
_[Butch holds up a sign that says "Dorks"]_

It's Way Jim[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ed,_Edd,_n_Eddy_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=15)]

**Jim:** What's a fad?

**Ed**: When something insignificant becomes popular.

**Oz**: Right! And we know the Boys are _way_ insignificant!

_[Fad Freaker has become popular, just as the Boys have given up trying]_

**Oz**: We're behind _again!_

**Ed**: Cheer up, Oz! My mom always says fads go in a cycle. In another ten years, we'll be back in style.

**Jim:** I'm hungry!

**Oz**: _[Off-blank screen]_ "Shut up, Jim."

Laugh Jim Laugh[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ed,_Edd,_n_Eddy_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=16)]

_[Oz is locked into a padded shed and presented a large amount of fake money]_  
**Oz**: "WE'LL BUY A TRUCK-LOAD OF JAWBREAKERS!"  
**Jim:** "What do you mean?"  
**Oz**: "What do you mean 'What do you mean'? With all this glorious..." _[looks closely at the bill he's holding and sees a picture of Jim's face drawn on it]_ "What the-?! It's fake!"  
_[Ed put his finger to his mouth]_  
**Jim:** "I drew it myself!"  
_[Ed looks back and forth]_  
**Jim:** "Oz's mad."  
**Ed**: "Correct. He's back to normal."

**Ed**: _[sees a sign that says "Quarantine"]_ Oh, dear! A quarantine!

**Jim:** I've seen this before.

**Oz**: Where?

**Jim:** _[points]_ There.

_[Each and every house have quarantine signs everywhere]_

**Ed**: It must be an epidemic!

**Oz**: So I guess we're the only ones not sick.

Dawn of the Boys[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ed,_Edd,_n_Eddy_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=17)]

**Oz**: We'll be slurping jawbreakers for weeks.

**Ed**: Uhh, actually, Oz, with current exchange rates, maybe an afternoon's worth.

**Oz**: Uh, you don't know what you're talking about. What do you think, Jim? Jim? Jim? Jim? Jim! HEY!!! What's clogged up your brain, Jim?

**Jim:** That! See? "Robot Rebel Ranch"!

**The Boys**: _[amazed]_: Ooooooh.

**Jim:** "'Marooned on a distant planet!'. 'Visitors in the void!'. 'No escape!!'. Huh? **_AAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!_** [Zooms into 'Adults Only' on the poster twice] It's not fair! Aw, if only I were older.

**Ed**: Don't worry Jim. We'll see it on TV in a year.

**Jim:** Yeah, with all the good stuff cut out.

**Oz**: "Hey, is this thing ready yet?"  
**Ed**: "Well, actually Oz, since it's just a prototype and still in need of..."  
_[Oz gets on space rocket Ed made]_  
**Ed**: "Oz!"  
**Oz**: "There's only one seat in this thing! Why'd you just put one seat, Ed?"  
**Ed**: "Well, I told you this is the prototype. When this is properly tested, then I'll build the real one."  
**Oz**: "Yeah, whatever. Let's go, Ed. Lift-off!"  
**Ed**: "Well, Oz, I still need to-"  
**Oz**: "Ed, fire the rocket!"  
**Ed**: _[sighs]_ "Fine, but you... ah... you'd better wear this."  
_[Puts pan on Oz's head]_  
**Oz**: "Oh, yeah."  
**Ed**: _[sighs]_ "Three, two, one, ignition!"  
**Oz**: "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!"  
_[Oz goes flying on the rocket but it dissolves in the air and Oz starts falling down]_  
**Ed**: "Oh! Better test the parachute." _[presses a button on a remote. Oz's seat spawns a parachute.]_ "Well, at least that worked."  
_[drops the remote on the ground, but lands face down, causing the button to be pressed again; the parachute then falls off and Oz falls on Ed]_  
**Oz**: "Hey, Ed! The rocket needs work!"  
**Ed**: "IT'S A PROTOTYPE!!"  
**Jim:** "THE ROBOTS ARE COMING! THE ROBOTS ARE COMING!"

Vert-Ed-Go[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ed,_Edd,_n_Eddy_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=18)]

**Oz**: Jim, why is your helmet tied to your butt?

**Jim:** For protection.

_[Oz attempts to get the helmet off Jim's butt]_

**Oz**: It's meant for your head.

**Jim:** It's my butt!

**Oz**: It's not safe!

**Jim:** Oz, stop!

**Oz**: It's not meant--

**Ed and Oz**: **Aaaah!** _[They both fall down]_

_[the Boys follow Barbara to look for wood]_

**Barbara**: _[points]_ "There!" _[The camera zooms over to a trash can full of garbage and Oz picks up a popsicle stick from it]_

**Oz**: "A dirty popsicle stick?"

**Jim:** _[grabs the popsicle stick from Oz]_ "Got it, Oz."

**Oz**: _[groans]_ "We need large pieces of wood, Barbara. Tell Montoya to quit fooling around."

**Barbara**: "Okay, okay! She said follow her!"

Who, What, Where, Jim[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ed,_Edd,_n_Eddy_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=19)]

**Jim:** _[Ed is running round the entire cul-de-sac asking for a cup of clams]_ "Can Oz come out to play?"  
**Oz**: _[exasperated]_ "I'm right beside you Jim!"  
**Jim:** _[surprised and pleased]_ "HI OZ!"

Keeping Up With The Boys[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ed,_Edd,_n_Eddy_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=20)]

**Jim:** **THE GOAT ATE SELINA! THE GOAT ATE MY SISTER!**

**Oz**: Jim looking for the goat?

**Ed**: I think he found it.

**Jim:** "How did you get out of the goat, Selina?"

**Selina**: _[swipes her doll from Jim]_ "Gimme my dolly, you big lummox!"

**Jim:** _[to Oz and Ed]_ "Selina's fine."

Eds-Aggerate[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ed,_Edd,_n_Eddy_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=21)]

_[After Gabe tripped in Jim's big footprints]_  
**Zsasz**: "Look at the size of this footprint, I haven't seen feet this big since my great-grandmother!"

**Jim:** _[with a hammer on the side of his face after eating the cake]_ "Aaaah, my itch is gone."

**Oz**: "Ed, it's on your face."

**Jim:** "What's on my face?"

**Oz**: "The hammer."

**Jim:** _[panicking]_ "A TARANTULA! AAH! GET IT OFF, OZ!"

Oath to an Jim[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ed,_Edd,_n_Eddy_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=22)]

**Zsasz**: _[after the microwave exploded and drenched Zsasz and the Boys with food]_ "Such waste and disrespect to the fast food stuffers is not allowed in the Urban Rangers! But, seeing you covered in filth reminds me of my youth. Next badge."

**Zsasz**: "Those Boys are crazy like chickens. Except they lay no eggs! Ah, candied beets to calm my nerves."

A Glass Of Warm Jim[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ed,_Edd,_n_Eddy_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=23)]

**Ed**: Jim, did you know that you've been sleepwalking? And that you've consumed all the food within a five block radius of your bed?

**Jim:** Not only that, but I feel like I have consumed all the food within a five block radius of my bed.

**Jim**: "Jim is like a swarm of locusts ready to purge the cul-de-sac and all it's good people of their food!"  
**Oz**: _[unmoved]_ "Y'know, you scare me when you talk like that."

Flea Bitten Jim[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ed,_Edd,_n_Eddy_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=24)]

**Jim:** "How's it look, Oz?"  
**Oz**: "Ed, you put the sign on upside-down!"  
**Jim:** "No, I put the sign on the garage!"  
**Oz**: "Just flip it over, Jim."  
**Jim:** "Flip it? Got it!"  
**Ed**: "Ah... I think I'm ready to tackle anything with my fine assortment of short and long, hard and soft hairbrushes."  
_[Ed flips the entire garage over]_  
**Jim:** "I flipped it, Oz!"  
**Ed**: "Well, I can read it..."  
**Oz**: "Jim’s Pet 'Boutick' is open for business!"  
_[Ed laughs, as the camera focusses on the sign, before fading to the next scene]_

**Oz**: "Anything good on Ed?"  
**Ed**: _[scouring TV listings]_ "Ooh there's a documentary on molluscs."  
**Jim:** "Boring! How about 'Bot: Defender of the Bullyah People'?"

Button Yer Jim[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ed,_Edd,_n_Eddy_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=25)]

**Ed**: "It seems the fly has lodged itself into Oz's voice box, disabling his ability to talk!"  
**Jim:** _[yanks one of Oz's hairs off of his head, Oz squeals in pain]_ "Oz can't talk!"

_[Ed and Jim are sitting on the front porch as Oz is calling out to them from a distance]_

**Ed**: "The brain is an amazing organ, Jim. It's actually fooling me that Oz's calling out to us."

**Jim:** "Were Zsasz's fish sticks good, Ed?"

Avast Ye Boys[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ed,_Edd,_n_Eddy_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=26)]

**Oz**: Is this thing on?

**Ed**: Oz, just speak into the mic.

**Oz**: What, _this_?

**Ed**: Yes!

**Oz**: Okay, okay. Welcome, passengers, I'm Captain Oz of the Creek Cruise, where you get more bang for your buck. I'd like you to sit back, relax and enjoy the soothing sounds of 88 fingers Edward.

**Ed**: This instrument is so annoying. _[starts to play the instrument perfectly]_

**Zsasz**: Hello, boys! When is the next sailing? My flesh begs me for sun and sweat! _[Ed hands Zsasz the deflated inner tube]_ What? Huh?

**Ed**: I was kind of hoping my first kiss would be enjoyable.

**Oz**: Alas, the sea is a cruel mistress.

**Jim:** I'm stuffed!

_Gabe'_: _[floating by in the background]_ Hair emergency! Hair emergency!


End file.
